Diary of a Network Geek

I’m actually not so blue.
The other day when I was at my head-shrink, he asked how things were going and how I felt. I told him that I felt better than I have in a long time, which is very true. He was a little dissapointed because he’s doing something on TV about holiday depression and, well, I just wasn’t going to be giving him any material to work with this year. Actually, we had a laugh about that.
Oh, sure, at times I get a little down because it would be nice to have someone “special” during the holidays, but, mainly, I feel pretty good being single. As I told him, at least I’m not married to someone who consistantly makes my life miserable at the holidays anymore! Though, I have to admit, in the past, before I suffered through that, I always hoped to have someone with whom to share my joy of this season. Girls get to say things like “Always a bridesmaid and never a bride” and give a sad, little laugh, but men don’t have any cute quips to toss out about that. When we’re single, though all our friends seem to be in relationships, we’re just, well, single.
In any case, even though I won’t be decorating this year at all, the holidays just aren’t depressing to me. I think everyone around me expects me to be all doom and gloom, because of how my ex-wife left me last year about this time. Actually, she took the only working car, grabbed her daughter and ran while I was in the shower. No note, no phone message, no nothing. Just cut and ran. That was a little hard to deal with, last year. And, yes, last year was terrible for me. I contemplated suicide more than one, but, in the end, I didn’t “play solitare with a pearl-handled deck”, as Mr. Zevon would say, because that would have meant she won. I couldn’t have that, now could I? And, maybe that’s why this year seems so effortless in comparison. What could be worse than that? Losing all my hopes and dreams in one afternoon, right before two family oriented events. Everything is up from there.
And, to me, that’s what this season is all about. Change. Rebirth. All Fall the days have been getting shorter, the nights and darkness lasting longer, and it is this season, at the Winter Solstice, that the hours of light start to overtake the hours of darkness again. Literally a rebirth of light in the world. (This year, the solstice falls on December 21, by the way.) In fact, it’s no accident that the early Christians chose that time of year to celebrate the birth of Christ. After all, the pagans they were trying to convert were already celebrating the rebirth of light, so, why not capitalize on that? Regardless of why or how it happened that way, this season has been about rebirth and renewal for me more than any other.
Every year, I get a new chance. A fresh start. Every year, I get a little hope that things can change. That I can change for the better.

I know this year has been tough on some of my readers. There’s been loss and heart-ache and pain of all flavors. That can happen at any time of year, of course, but it seems to sting worse during this season, for whatever reason. With that, and two very special readers in mind, I whipped together a fun, little PERL-based web-app that I’d like to share with you all. It’s the New Year’s Resolution Generator. And, if mention of tequila and kissing strangers comes up more frequently that you might expect, all I can say is, I’m single and an eternal optimist!

Or, why can’t Uncle Jim sleep?
Honestly, I wish I knew why I was up before the Sun, making coffee and eating oatmeal. I haven’t had insomnia like this since the week before my ex-wife left, when things had become so unbearable that I was just waiting, begging, for that other shoe to drop. Just so that it would be over and done and the next thing could start. But, that’s not why I can’t sleep.
Is it my new roommate, Doc, throwing me off my stride? Maybe. Is it that my “faithful” dog is upstairs in the hallway outside Doc’s room, instead of on the bed with me? Probably. I’ve gotten quite used to that little, brown dog sleeping with me.
Honestly, I don’t know why I can’t sleep. I slept fine on the couch before Doc got back from cleaning his old place. Not long enough, but, I guess, today we’ll see how Uncle Jim can manage on two hours sleep. Well enough, I’d imagine. I’ve done it before and, though I’m not getting any younger, I’m still not so old that a couple of restless nights will kill me. In fact, I’ve pulled many a long night with little sleep in my IT career, often outlasting kids younger than I.
So, the coffee’s done and I’m going to have a cup and a rare, early-morning smoke. (Hey, it’s better than an “eye-opener”!)
In 24 hours, I’ll be 37 years old.