Empty
A funny thing happened last week.
Well, not so much funny in the sense of “ha, ha, that was kind of different”, but more like “uh, what was that about?”
First, there’s a friend telling me that I’m “broken”. Now, I’m pretty sure I know what he meant by that, but the way it was presented pushed buttons for me. Mainly, it pushed the “you’re not good enough because you lack something that everyone else has” button. Realize, though, that I totally recognize this as an entirely internal process and reaction. At no point am I meaning to imply that my friend was saying this about me, but only that when I hear things like that I fill in that additional blank. It’s probably my greatest character defect, that negative self-talk. Hence the rush to read The Spirituality of Imperfection. It might not help, but what can it hurt?
The second thing that made me blink like stunned cattle was the phone call telling me that my ex-wife was getting married. I know the person who told me reads this blog, so I’ll try to be gentle with my reaction. But, my first thought was, “Okay, and…?” I mean, I know they must have been trying to do something helpful for me and I’m sure it was done out of love, but, honestly, my reaction was a shrug. Now, I’m really not saying this for effect or to “look good” for my blog audience, but I don’t really care that much. My marriage is like a missing tooth. It’s not there, sometimes I can’t help feeling for it, but it doesn’t really hurt that much. It’s just that gap, the missing space. Okay, maybe I’m repressing some feelings or something, but my reaction was to feel around inside for a suitable reaction. It was like banging on an empty can. Sound came out, but not much else. I felt like I was expected to say something, something witty and dark, so I responded with “Well, I hope he’s got a good prenup.” (This guy is going to be worth quite a bit of money when his father dies, which is why I said that.) But, honestly, I don’t care. I don’t have any reason to not wish them both well and hope that they’re happy. Surely, even my ex-wife deserves to be happy? Hey, if this guy makes her happy, then more power to them both. Get it while you can and hold on tight for as long as it lasts. (Sadly, while writing this post, I got e-mail confirming that they were married on Friday the Thirteenth. I just hope it turns out to be a lucky day for them!)
The third thing, which is really several things with a theme, is the perception about how I feel about my ex. First, I don’t think she’s evil. Sometimes cruel, certainly at least a little crazy, and pretty self-centered, but not evil. Second, I don’t blame her for the divorce. I filed, for God’s sake, not her. If I waited for her, I’d still be married to her! Her last divorce took more than two years to get going and that was only because I was tired of waiting. I blame ME for the marriage and the divorce. I never should have been there or doing what I was doing. I did what I did and got what I got. Plain and simple. And, I hate that I was so stupid that it took years to see that and start to deal with it. Yeah, start to deal with it. Then, a friend told me that another mutual acquaintance felt like all the apparently bitter little things I have said in person about the divorce and ex wear thin, quick. And, I bet they do. Wish someone who was bothered by it had said something sooner so I was more aware of it sooner and could curb the bad habit. Thing is, bad habits get invisibile for me, otherwise, they wouldn’t become bad habits. Somewhere in the past year, I fell into the habit of making dark, bitter jokes about marriage and my ex. Okay, not funny. Never were, but now they’re not serving any purpose for me, so I should stop. Especially because I don’t think marriage is bad and wouldn’t mind being married again, if I can fix enough of what I don’t like about myself first.
So, here’s the thing. All this stuff this past week just highlights that I feel empty. Not empty like “I have no reason to go on”, but more like “my life has no passion”. My job is like eating day-old oatmeal. My spirituality is like wet cardboard. My enthusiasm for my “hobbies” is about as intense as… Lord, that’s so bad I can’t even muster a metaphor or simile to describe my apathy. In short, this past week, I’ve felt rather like an empty shell. No real good reason for it, but, there it is. The husk of a man shuffling about his life hoping that too much doesn’t flake off and disappear lest I become completely transparent.
But, I guess it’s not so bad. After all, I have a number of readers that care enough to comment and metaphorically nudge me out of my rut into a better place. I really appreciate that. I love you all for taking the time to read and comment on the crazy things I write here. I really am much saner in person. Or, at least I can wear the act better in person.
And, though I get down on myself for being a big coward, at least I’m brave enough to hang this out there where it can be judged. Yes, judged, by people who’s opinion matters to me, even though I haven’t ever met you. And, as someone pointed out in e-mail, I have managed to keep my sense of humor, dark though it may be at times. So, to wrap things up, I’m going to link to the last Lore Brand Comics strip that I read before writing this post. Always leave ’em laughing!
