But Not Today
I didn’t do anything bad today.
But, I wanted to.
I’ve been craving cigarettes all week, but I haven’t gone and bought any or bummed any. Nor do I plan to. Even though I want to chain smoke really badly.
I haven’t had a drink this week.
Oh, I’ve thought about drinking a little 80 proof medicine to “help me sleep”, but I haven’t done it. I almost bought into the illusion that the drink would help me forget my self-directed anger and my continual embarrassment. But, the reality is that, even if it did for a few minutes when I was drunk, it’d all come back when I sobered up. And I’d be embarrassed by having been drunk.
I’ve wanted to pound my fists against something hard in anger and frustration because I just never seem to learn. But, I didn’t do that, either.
Instead, I cleaned three great, big, black garbage bags of junk my ex-wife left behind out of my house. They’re by the curb now, waiting to get hauled away. There’ll be more next week.
And, I made arrangements to join a standing pot-luck dinner at one of my minister’s houses Friday night. I still don’t know what I’ll bring, but I won’t cook. I want them to have a good impression that first night, after all.
And, I made a promise to write something for another blogger’s special project. A project that she’d aimed towards women, until she found out that sometimes men have the same problems women do, even if we don’t talk about them as much.
And, I made an appointment to meet my other minister for coffee on Saturday before church. Though I have no real idea why, he always seems eager to sit and talk with me. I must have more interesting spiritual problems than I realized. Who knew?
So, I did good things today. I can always do those other things, those things that will slowly eat me up.
But, not today.
Advice from your Uncle Jim:
"Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently."
--Henry Ford
Good Job! Hang in there and remember to take things one moment at a time. You really don’t have anything to be embarrassed about. Telling someone how you feel makes you vulnerable, not foolish. (If that is what you are referring to) You are stronger than you know. You should be proud of yourself. You have a lot more things going for you than against. I believe in you.
Comment by Cheri — 2/7/2007 @ 11:10 pm
Yes, Cheri, that was, in fact, what I meant.
No, making myself vulnerable isn’t what made me feel foolish. What made me feel foolish was picking the wrong person. Again.
I do believe that things have a way of working out, though, never in the way I hope or think they will. Thanks for believing in me. Some days I need that, because I have a hard time believing in myself.
Comment by the Network Geek — 2/8/2007 @ 6:02 am