Diary of a Network Geek

Or at least, getting to know someone.

I am the world’s worst at “small talk”. And, for pity’s sake, do NOT ask me what I’m thinking. Do that and you’re likely to get back some pseudo-intellectual gobbledygook about patterns of language and how we mimic our significant other. No, seriously, I actually found myself thinking about that when I watched a friend completely change his speech patterns after getting married. And, I’ve noticed the same thing with my own speech patterns.
See? It doesn’t take much for me to get off on a tangent. Also, I think of myself as painfully shy, though I know my friends don’t perceive me that way. Meeting people and getting to know them is extremely difficult for me. Though, oddly, I’m now on my second marriage, so I managed to get to know at least two people well enough to marry them. I only got to know one well enough to stay married, though, for whatever that’s worth.
In any case, I know I’m not the only person who has these issues. I know because I read things on the internet. Things like this article at FashionBeans titled “99 Get To Know You Questions, From First Date To Happily Ever After”. The article briefly talks about the pressure of conversation while dating, but then offers a solution; 99 questions to start conversations with a date or partner.
Frankly, that seems like the perfect topic just before a weekend. And, hey, no need to restrict some of these questions to just someone you’re dating or planning to marry! Take a look and see if you feel brave enough to ask your friends what their biggest fear is or what they’re most grateful for in life or one of the many other questions they suggest.

And, in any case, have a great weekend!

This post originally appeared at Use Your Words.

Right, I need to keep this all in mind.

So, as my regular readers know, I’m technically back in the dating world. I say that, “technically”, because, honestly, I haven’t been trying very hard at it. I’m still really recovering from chemo and trying to get my life back on track, which, rightly or wrongly, I feel I need to do before I’ll be ready to date. Naturally, for me, part of straightening out my life revolves around money, or the lack thereof.
See, back when I was out of work for a year, to keep the house and my erstwhile family together, I took a rather substantial pay cut. Now, I’ll grant you, I also didn’t work as hard, or as long, which was fine at the time, since I actually liked spending time with my family, especially my step-daughter. I liked being dad, even if I was one of two and only his “stunt double” most of the time. But, the thing is, I made a trade-off. I decided it was better to not have quite as much money so that I could have more quality time with friends and family. Only, sometime between that decision and now, during the divorce or chemo most likely, I lost sight of that. Until I read this article on MSN about dating a woman who makes more than you.

Sure, the average female lawyer or doctor earns vastly more than I do, but she also has to slave away for 80- or 100-hour weeks, whereas I can achieve my modest income with just a few hours of writing a day. Often, the result is that I’m desirous of her attention, while she’s envious of my ability to kick back on a lazy summer weekday afternoon and do absolutely nothing.

Wow.
I read that and re-read it. Then, it occurred to me just how unhappy I really was when I was “doing well” financially. I was so miserable and grouchy and stressed and … Well, let’s just say I wasn’t any fun to be around anyway, so I might as well have been at work where at least I might do some good.

The only thing is, with medical bills stacking up, I really started feeling the pressure and getting stressed and grouchy and miserable all over again. So, I really need to enjoy that I don’t work every weekend any more, or eleven-hour days. And, I need to not waste that time suckling at the glass teat, either. Geez, I have so many books to read that they’re piling up! Not to mention all the stuff I have to write.

Heh, maybe God really was doing me a favor when He forcibly slowed my life down and curtailed a lot of my spending.

Advice from your Uncle Jim:
"The moon does not think to reflect in the water, nor does the water think to reflect the moon."

No, really, I have this friend who wants to know what people think.

Specifically, he wants to know what people think about a particular question.  See, it’s like this…
So, about a year ago, this friend of mine started dating someone he met via eHarmony.com. Well, things started slow with this woman, but he’s a very rational guy and allowed logic to guide him.  She had many appealing qualities, so, even though he didn’t have an immediate romantic attraction to her, he stayed the course and did his best to make a connection with her.  Sadly, it didn’t work out.  He could never quite get any chemistry going and, in the end, she obviously never felt that either because she pretty much broke it off.

Well, it turns out that was okay with my friend.  Why?  Well, as wrote previously, he never felt any real chemistry with her.  But, more than that, there was a complication.
The complication was a sister.  A single sister, as in not-married.  It seems he had an immediate reaction to this sister when he first met her.  In fact, one could say that all the chemistry he was hoping for with the original woman was, instead, centered on her sister.
Her sister had been seeing someone, sort of.  He was also from eHarmony, but he was from another state and, well, apparently there wasn’t enough chemistry.  So, even though she was kind of involved when my friend met her, she’s single now.

Now, here’s the dilemma…
After having dated the one woman for a year, can he now ask her sister out?  If so, under what conditions?
There are a few details that may be important, too.  First, these two sisters are Phillippina and pretty conservative Catholics.  Secondly, my friend is a staunch Christian and, therefore, is waiting until he’s married for sex, so that complication is not an issue.  Thirdly, my friend is very much NOT Phillippino and a Protestant.  Also, he’s waiting a respectful time before he’ll even contemplate asking the sister out, but, that time is drawing near.  Though, that raises another question, though.  What is a respectful enough time to wait before asking the sister out?  Oh, and should he ask the first woman’s permission first?

Right, so vote on the poll in the right side-bar, okay?  And leave any thoughts and insight in the comments.
(And, yes, I am talking about an actual friend, not myself in disguise!)

Advice from your Uncle Jim:
"Whether you call it Buddhism or another religion, self-discipline, that's important. Self-discipline with awareness of consequences."
   --Dalai Lama

More specifically, five questions to ask a date.

It’s funny, I suppose, for me to think about these things so much just now, as I’ve really decided it’s easier, better, for me not to date for a while. But, I suppose it’s natural that as soon as I try to force such things from my thoughts, that’s all that bubbles up.

Well, for those of you navigating those treacherous waters of long term relations, perhaps these five questions will provide you waypoints by which you may find your way.
Good luck.

Advice from your Uncle Jim:
"A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams."
   --John Barrymore

Okay, that’s not what the article is called, but it might as well be.

Some time back, MSN ran an article called The Art of the Pickup, which was all about how to hit on someone in a coffee shop.  And, now you all have it, just in time for the weekend.

Happy hunting!