Diary of a Network Geek

Sooner or later, we pay for everything.

So, I’ve been thinking again.  Always a dangerous thing with me.  Tonight, I was thinking about what things cost and how I’ve paid for them over the years.   No, I’m not talking about cash and the level of debt I carry.  Well, I’m not talking about cash, anyway.
Nor am I talking about any simple, tangible form of payment.  Tonight, I found myself contemplating lost opportunities.  It’s a reality that hadn’t occurred to me until I was in college, really.  The idea that by choosing one course of action, or inaction, other courses were lost or unavailable.

I’ll give you an example.  If LK had stayed involved with me last year, she likely would have missed out on the opportunity to move to Denver and do all kinds of great things for her business.  Sure, she would have had that relationship, such as it was, but, I think she would have missed out on a bigger, better opportunity for her.  That business was her life, in many ways, and, as much as I wanted to, I couldn’t help her enough with it.  And, yes, I’m glad that she made that particular choice, because it was the best choice for her.  But, it did have intangible costs associated with it.
For instance, if she’d stayed here and with me, we might have gotten married.  Granted, where I was mentally and emotionally at this time last year, that was pretty unlikely, but, still a possibility.  Or, any of a number of things could have happened here, in Houston, for her and her business, that she didn’t get to experience because moving away cost her that opportunity.

I think I missed out on an opportunity myself, recently, because I spent too much time considering it and not acting on it.  It happens.
And, then, there are all manner of lost opportunities that passed me by while I was in the hospital taking chemotherapy.
On the other hand, passing up those few, small, opportunities allowed me to continue living, which will provide a whole lot more opportunities that won’t pass me by.

Funny, when I sat down to write this, that’s not where I thought I was going.
God sure does work in mysterious ways.
I wonder what opportunities I’ll have tomorrow?

Advice from your Uncle Jim:
"Everyone deserves to be happy, but not if that happiness is dependent on imprisoning or enslaving another human being."
   --Unintentionally ironic comment left on a blog

“…is just lunch.”

Sigmund Freud is famously quoted as having told a reporter that “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar”, when questioned about his oral fixation. I’m not sure that anyone believed that, either.
So, my chief concern about C. at work has played out. The sharks have gotten a taste of blood in the water. She’s been asked out to a limited invitation Christmas party at work. A party to which I am not invited, but which is tonight, so this is all very last minute. The rumor mill reported that bit of information to me by starting off with the introductory statement, “Man, everyone is trying to get into C.’s pants.” That was followed with a brief description of the invite, which was, naturally, accepted.
As I was on my way out to lunch, it was quiet enough at her desk that I stopped and told her that I’d heard she was a “popular girl”. Her eyes got wide and the most charming blush rose to her cheeks as she asked me what I’d heard. I told her the essence of it, but left out the somewhat off-color remarks. Interestingly enough, her blush deepened and she felt the need to explain to me.

“Remember, lunch is just lunch,” she said.
“Yes, I know, but not everyone sees it that way,” I replied.
“Well, you know my situation…”
“Yes. Yes, I do. I’m just saying.” It’s hard to describe the look she gave me there. It’s not that she was asking if it was okay or if my feelings were hurt or anything quite like that, but it did seem important to her that I understand her intent. I’m still not quite sure what to make of it, honestly. I think I’m flattered, but I’m a little confused. “But, now you see why I was being so careful not to feed the rumor mill.”

She didn’t really respond to that, but I think a small sigh managed to leak out. Interestingly enough, later in the day C. was walking by my office and actually came back to silently mouth to me that she wasn’t going after all.  Then, she was off again before I could find out why.  And, of course, work isn’t the best place to talk about that anyway.  The problem is, it’s a small company and word travels fast. Worse, it’s a small company made up primarily of men, many of whom aren’t even as evolved as I am, which ought to give you some idea of just how much testosterone poisoning there is. So, when an attractive, young woman shows up, well, let’s just say that the behavior changes are quite noticeable.

The sad thing is C. is far more than just a pretty face. She’s very sweet and very concerned about the people around her. She’s also, I think, pretty perceptive. Certainly, she’s a lot smarter than she gives herself credit for being. She’s certainly a very sensitive person who’s very aware of the feelings of people around her. She’s a good mother, too, from what I hear. She’s always very concerned about her children. In fact, I wonder how many of the sharks at work understand that getting involved with her means getting involved with her kids and ex-husband. At least, if any guy plans to stick around long enough to have a real relationship with her that’s what it would include.

Look, don’t misunderstand, she is a pretty girl and I’m sure if we “hooked up” the heavens would sing and angels would weep and all that, but… But, let’s face it, I’m of an age when I really should be looking for something more than that. I could, theoretically, cruise bars or bookstores or whatever for a weekend’s worth of physical diversion, but how empty and soul-crushing would that be? I just wish I could figure out how to get her talking about herself in a safe way, away from work. C. is absolutely fascinating to me. No matter how hard I try to ignore that, I feel drawn back to her like iron filings to a magnet. And, honestly, it’s been a while since I’ve really felt that way.
All of which frightens me a bit.

You know, it’s hard being a cynic who’s also a closet romantic.
Now, I’m sure this will make LK less than happy when she reads it, but, then she took off at a dead run for Denver and only told me afterward and life goes on. Anyway, I’m really into this woman and I’d rather not mess it up before it even gets started. I rarely ask my blog readers for help in my personal life, but, these are extenuating circumstances.
So, ladies, any advice about what to do, or not do, so I don’t blow this?

Damn, I could really use a cigarette.
So, the other day, I’m talking with my therapist and he points out an interesting “coincidence”. The women who appreciate me most are all pretty well unavailable. Damn if he’s not right. Let me break it down.
First, there are the married women. Mostly, the unhappily married women, or at least married women who seem to be missing something in their marriage that I seem to have, or so they think. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m in touch with my feelings and can actually express them. Maybe it’s that I’m not obsessed with sports or some other distracting hobby, other than blogging, of course. Maybe it’s just that I pay attention to them, while their partners, who see them every day, don’t. Maybe it’s just that they don’t know me.
Damn, I could really use a cigarette.
Then, of course, there are the divorced women. Sure, they’re available, but, they either have no time for me or they fall into the next demographic group. Again, I think all the same things apply from the first. The divorced women who find me interesting, I think, must see in me everything that their ex-husbands were not. At least, I hope that’s it and, hey, it’s a working theory until one of them straightens me out, right?
Damn, I could really use a cigarette.
Next, there are all the nice, young, attractive women in distant lands. Anywhere from Oklahoma to New York to Denver to the Phillipines to Japan. Anywhere, in short, that’s too damn far to drive to from Houston. Now, really, I did not start this blog almost six years ago looking to “hook up”, okay? I started the whole thing as a marketing ploy to boost my ranking in Google. It worked, too. But, along the way, I got married, then divorced, and found myself with a largely female readership. At the time, I thought it was great. A lovely turn of events. Turns out, not so much. So many of the most interesting women were all, well, rather unreachable. Not out of my league, or anything so narrow-minded or self-limiting as all that, but out of my reach geographically. Yeah, great. So, the girls in far off places think I “look fine” and write well and have interesting hobbies or whatever. That’s great, but I don’t exactlly get to the Phillipines for coffee, you know?
Damn, I could really use a cigarette.
And, really, this is not for lack of trying here, kids. I have tried to find someone local. Really. Stepped way, way, way outside my comfort zone to ask out ladies from on-line. Tried the Bookstore Method more than once, but with similar results. Even looked around at church, but, as I told someone via e-mail, I “love the Lord” and everything, but, well, I don’t think I want to double-date with Him, you know? I’m sure that whole “water-to-wine” trick is great at parties, but, crown of thorns sort of puts people off. Anyway, it just seems to me like the more available a woman is, the less interested she is in me.
So, anyone care to tell me where I’m making my mistakes? What am I doing wrong here?

Damn, I could really use a cigarette.