Diary of a Network Geek

Anybody want to buy land in Costa Rica?

So, the other day, I was talking with this guy from church about his impending divorce. It’ll be his second, so there wasn’t much I could tell him that he didn’t already know. And, since he lives in the River Oaks area, there’s going to be a whole lot more money involved than I’ll probably ever see in my lifetime. Again, not much advice I could give him, except, of course, to remind him why one hires a lawyer for these things. I just reminded him that he didn’t need to roll over simply because he was the man and, traditionally, the woman got the lion’s share of the communal property. They’d earned that money together, each contributing their part and he was entitled to his fair share. Besides, at the moment, she actually makes more money than him, so it’s not like he’d be hurting her financially at all. Mainly, though, I “advised” him to let the lawyers haggle it out when things got ugly about the money. Again, that is why one pays for a personal shark in the first place, right?

Anyway, he was talking about investing in real estate in Central America. Specifically, in Costa Rica. Now, a lot of times when guys start in with this kind of thing, I figure it’s somebody trying to impress me, but not with him. Something about the matter-of-fact way he talks about some of this stuff and his plans for developing some of the land and making a resort just ring too true for me to feel like there’s a scam or an ulterior motive. I’ve been wrong before, of course, but, these days, I’m a fairly hardened, bitter cynic and I tend to trust my instincts when it comes to people. Sadly, when I suspect something untoward, I’m rarely wrong.
But, he knows what I do for a living and for fun. He knows, for instance, that I’ve done web design work for my divorce lawyer. And, as a check was on the way, I mentioned that again this weekend when I saw him. Also, it turns out that when you Google Houston Divorce Lawyer, my lawyer already shows up on the second page of hits. Considering that he didn’t show up in the first 20+ pages of hits before I revamped his website, I’d say we’re doing pretty well. A little more time and he’ll be on that Holy Grail of search engine optimization, the first page of Google results.
In any case, I was joking with him, the guy from church, not the lawyer, about how I was in that very unique position of actually making money back from my divorce lawyer. But, it wasn’t long before he was asking about domain names and websites and optimization. And, yes, I found myself volunteering to do a simple website for him and optimize it for the search engines. And, of course, advise him about how to find an URL submission service that would keep his ranking good and high.

And that’s when he jokingly offered to trade me a hectare of land in Costa Rica for doing a website from scratch and optimizing it for the search engines. At least, I think he was joking. I mean, he was sort of laughing about it, but… But, it would be a pretty damn good deal and I’m thinking about calling him to see if he was serious or not. Because, I’ve been looking around at it a little bit and $750 worth of land now could very quickly and easily be over $75,000 some time in the next five years.

And, I was getting ready to tell him I’d do it for nothing.

So, does anyone know about real estate investing in Costa Rica?

Now, for something completely different!

Okay, not so much completely, but, still, you get the idea.
Now, I don’t think of myself as a hacker, per se, because I haven’t done anything marginally illegal on a network in years. Opinions vary, of course, and, say, compared to someone trying to hide from weblogs via Google, I probably seem fairly hackerish. I will say that no personal computer project I’ve ever started before 9:00PM has been very interesting, though. And, that leads me to one of my favorite subjects: caffeine.

No, that’s not some code word for the latest release of Windows, I’m talking about actual caffeine of the variety that keeps you awake at night. If you aren’t familiar with all the chemical ways of keeping awake, you might be surprised at the large assortment of perfectly legal ways you can get caffeine. ThinkGeek has an amazingly large assortment of candy and drinks that you can get to keep going when the going gets tough. My favorite, though, is Sky Rocket Caffeinated Syrup. This, my gentle readers, is concentrated go juice. Back in the days when I was trying to maintain a relationship, manage a cohort of minions and, sadly, do most of their work because they weren’t capable, this is the stuff that kept me going. I especially liked a jigger of the mocha or vanilla flavor in my morning coffee. The product description says that it has 100Mg of caffeine in a 1 oz. serving, and laughingly suggests that is a reason that it should be used sparingly. I have no idea how much I used to pour into my cup with my coffee, but, let’s just say it increased my productivity in the morning enough that people noticed.

I recently tried Coke Blak, which is a carbonated coffee beverage. It comes in rather Coke-like bottles made from actual glass, but it tastes a lot different that any variety of Coca-Cola I’ve ever had. It’s not bad, exactlly, but it’s not my first choice, either. I couldn’t bring myself to drink it in the morning, but I had it for lunch and after dinner several times this past week. After that first, strange, surprising sip, and the wicked after-taste that followed, it wasn’t bad at all. It was best, however, when used instead of root beer as part of a demented ice cream experiment. Still, as interesting and different as Coke Blak is, it’ll never replace plain coffee or regular Coke.

Sadly, I’m on a rather tight budget these days, so I’m making do with out these liquid helpers. Until I have a little better cash flow, or at least until I start selling some of the antiques I haven’t any use for from around my house, I’ve started making my own Thai coffee. What’s that you ask? Why, it’s simplicity itself.
I discovered this cool, refreshing variation on go juice at a Houston local restaurant called Vung Thai, which is actually run by a Vietnamese family, so the pedigree of this nectar maybe a little cloudy. In any case, it was so great, I asked the owner what went into it.
“Nothing much,” he told me, “just strong coffee, lots of sugar and ‘heavy milk'”.
Turns out “heavy milk” is really just half-and-half. So, you can make this at home. Just brew up some good, strong coffee and then, while it’s still hot, stir in a lot of sugar. I mean a LOT of sugar. Then, let this cool off. After it’s cooled to at least room temperature, throw some ice into a fairly large glass and fill it to about half way with the super sugary cold coffee. Now, add half-and-half until the glass is full and enjoy.
I especially like this after dinner with someone interesting to talk with, since it will keep you up and alive for hours. In fact, that explains my lack of sleep this week as I’ve been experimenting with it again.

I’ve been thinking about sleepless nights again, not for a bad reason, but rather because I’m anticipating long days and nights when I attempt NaNoWriMo. Also, this was a way to introduce two new Categories: NaNoWriMo, of course, and By Bread Alone, for foodie-type things. So, there you go.

An old “trick” that never seems to get old, even when it doesn’t quite work.

Every once in a while, I actually talk about technical stuff on this blog and this week, I’m focused on Google. Oh, sure, it’s called “Diary of a Network Geek”, but I generally talk about all sorts of geeky things that have nothing to do with computers or networking at all. Well, today you get a treat, gentle readers, and I’ll write a little technical bit about what this is and how it works, or doesn’t. Here’s the trick, in a nutshell: Google a specific site or page with no extra parameters, using the “site:ryumaou.com” syntax. (To hit a specific page, “site:ryumaou.com/hoffman/netgeek/“) When you get your search results, notice at the bottom of each description, there is a link labelled “Cached”. Click that and you’re looking at the page as it resides on the Google servers. At this point, normally, you’d not be hitting the actual website at all, but simply viewing the page as it was stored on Google’s servers when they spidered the site for their search database.

Now, normally, that would hide you from a web log, but not from this blog. Why? Good question. What you see pictured in the graphic on this post is a rookie mistake. Googlecache browsing doesn’t work well to conceal one’s IP address when browsing dynamic content. I know it might not always seem like it, but this blog is, actually, fairly dynamic. In this particular case, what tripped up our inexperienced sneak is a plugin, or set of plugins, running on the blog. Mainly, it was the plugin that makes the pretty title graphics via PHP. When our tricksy, little Hobbit hit the Googlecached page, his browser made a call directly back to code stored on my site to generate the cool graphics. Graphics which, because they are generated dynamically, are not stored in Google’s cache, but created “on the fly” every time someone hits my page. Interestingly enough, even if our erstwhile intruder had turned off the ability to view graphics in his browser, the PHP code would have still generated graphic, thereby alerting me to his rather weak attempt to conceal his identity.
The only thing one might gain from this “hack” is the ability to get around a blocked IP address. Sadly, the sneak doesn’t need to do this, as I block very few IP addresses at all. For one thing, an IP block is of limited value for blocking spammers, since they change IPs regularly to avoid such blocks. For another, to deal with spam and other unwanted visitors, I have other tools that work much better. So, really, all this particular tricksy, little Hobbit did was, well, waste their own time and give me a handy topic to write a quick piece about very basic web security.

So, um, thanks. Now, c’mon in from the cold and just browse the site to your heart’s content, okay? Oh, and don’t forget to vote on the poll in the sidebar there everybody!

Advice from your Uncle Jim:
"Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both."
   --Samuel Butler

I highly reccomend checking yourself on Google.
Why? Because your next employer may be Googling you, that’s why. At least, according to this article on the New York Times, that’s what’s been happening.  I certainly know that I’ve been found on Google on more than one occasion.  Not only by employers, but also by potential dates and, well, obviously, dates.  This blog did, after all, start as a marketing scheme, a way to get the search engines to find me and catalog me.  It worked.  Very well, in fact, as this page has a Googlerank of Five out of Ten.  And, if you Google Linux Resume, I’m the second hit.  If you Google CNE Resume, I’m the first two hits.  If you Google Jim Hoffman, I’m the sixth hit.  So, I think about what I say here, and how I say it, because I know people might actually read it.  People I might care about and people who’s opinion matters to me or can effect my life.  And, I’m told that in the dating world, it’s more and more common to Google potential dates to see what mischief they’ve been up to on the web.  Obviously, one never knows what might turn up.

This is a special concern for bloggers, of course, who put themselves “out there” on a regular basis.  Do you want a potential employer reading that last rant?  Or about your after-hours antics?  Or about the slacking you do at work to post to your blog instead?  All things to think about.  So, what do you find when you Google yourself?  If you don’t know yet, maybe you should try it and see what turns up.

Advice from your Uncle Jim:
"Happiness is a direction, not a place."
   --Sydney J. Harris

If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
–Abraham Maslow

So, I’ve been doing a lot of strange things at work the past couple of weeks. And, by strange I mean working around problems like trying to get things done without spending money. That always seems to lead me through some interesting back doors and into areas that I’ve not been before.

First, I was asked to do some browser forensics. Basically, it was supposed that a particular employee, no myself, was spending a little too much tiem on the web. I was tasked with finding how much time and where they were going. Simple enough, right? Well, I had to do it on the “down low” and without sitting at their computer. Enter, Webhistorian, by Mandiant. This utility let me grab history files and arrange them into a nice, easy-to-read report that told me where, when and how long my intended target was spending time on the web. That combined with a drive mapped to the administrative share on his computer showed… That he was actually relatively innocent. Yeah, he went to some sports websites, but only first thing in the morning and at lunchtime. Nothing worth firing him over, at any rate.

Next, there was a more, um, general security question. And, okay, it wasn’t actually at work, but it’s good to know for work. A friend thought her computer might have been inadvertantly used in the comission of a crime by a “guest” and asked me to check it out. I can’t go into details because of pending legal action, but I decided to let her take it to the proper authorities first, in case I were to mess up any evidence. Once they’re satisfied, however, I’ll take a look at it. And, thanks to another blog I read, I’ll be using something called Helix.
I have read the aforementioned blog, A Day In The Life Of An Information Security Officer, for, well, years, actually. Mostly, it’s just an interesting diversion, but sometimes, I get good ideas from the posts and case files. This time, the new tool came from the comment section. Helix was suggested by another faithful reader. It’s a bootable, “live cd” Linux distribution. It’s also free, which is one of my main criteria for the tools I use.

I also had to clone a giant Windows XP disk this week. I tried a number of utilities, including Symantec’s Ghost, but it was another Linux distro that saved me. This time, I used Knoppix. Also a bootable, “live cd” distro which is available free from the Internet. I found the command by accident while searching for something else, but I also discovered there are other ways to clone a cd via Knoppix. My Google search turned up several HowTo documents. There was one on Knoppix.net’s forums, another on Linux.com and a third on Just Linux. I used the third method first, which turned out to not work so well at all. Something to do with XP and how finicky it is about hardware and booting, I suspect. So, I finally moved on to the appropriately named NTFSClone. I still had problems making it bootable, but I attribute that to the old disk running Windows XP. I hate XP. Truly. Still, I managed to have some good fun with all the different attempts. I enjoy a good intellectual challenge!

These days no one can afford to be just a “Windows Admin” or just a “Novell Admin” or, even just a “Unix admin”. We have to use the right tools to get the job done, whatever that looks like.
I’m the man behind the curtain who makes the great and powerful Oz go. If I want to outwit the flying monkeys that the Wicked Witch of the West sends after me, I’d better have a whole lot of tools in my toolbox besides my magic ruby hammer.
Even though I’m Linux certified, I don’t work with it enough for my taste, so I’ve finally gotten off my lazy butt and installed Open SuSE on two old laptops I have at the house. Again, it’s free and so were the laptops. One is an old Dell that came from an old job. The other is a Compaq that a friend gave me because he knew I’d get more use out of it than anyone who he might donate it to for the tax write-off. Either that, or I’ve become a charity. Hey, it could happen!
In any case, I’m working on expanding my toolbox, one piece at a time. And, now, you can take advantage of my tinkering to expand your own digital toolbox. Have fun with the new toys!

Ever wonder what various Google AdWords pay per click? Well the rumor over at bOingbOing has it that the breakdown goes like this:
$54.33 for “mesothelioma lawyers”
$47.79 for “what is mesothelioma”
$47.72 for “peritoneal mesothelioma”
$47.25 for “consolidate loans”
$47.16 for “refinancing mortgage”
$45.55 for “tax attorney”
$41.22 for “mesothelioma”
$38.86 for “car accident lawyer”
$38.68 for “ameriquest mortgage”

Those prices are per click, mind you. So, is it any wonder why people make entire blogs dedicated to subverting the Google Advertising system to boost ratings these key words? I’m not sure if they’re still doing it, but people used to created blogs just filled with certain keywords and redirects to their website to generate both traffic and a better click/dollar ratio. Pretty sneaky, isn’t it?

Now, of course, I would never do something so dirty and underhanded as all that, but, well, we all know how morally upright I am and all that. (Hey, that’s “upright”, not “uptight”!) I would also not ask anyone to click on the advertisments on my site, but only because it would violate the Google AdWords agreement and get me into trouble. Not that the advertising has helped much, to be honest. I had hoped to make enough money to pay for my monthly server fees at my webhost, but, sadly that’s not how it’s working out. Not that my webhost is expensive, because they’re not, but my click-through rate is terrible and the pay-out has been, well, hardly worth mentioning. I think we’ve become so numb to on-line advertising that we just ignore it, mostly. Even I fall into that trap, though, I do try to click on advertising on sites I like to show my support for them. I hope it makes enough of a difference that they don’t have to resort to a super-sneaky blog dedicated to that above-mentioned list of advertising words.
But, somehow, I doubt it.

The top eleven Geek Pickup lines, fourth edition, as stolen from BBSpot, for your Friday afternoon funny:

Geek Pick-Up Lines: Part 4
11. I have so much love to give you’ll have to pipe it through more.
10. Did you make a Google Bomb? Whatever I search for, it’s you I find.
9. Do you work for a TelCom? Because I bet you’d be good at pulling cable.
8. I was hoping you wouldn’t block my pop-up.
7. Would you like to play Scrabble with me? I am tired of playing with myself.
6. You compute me.
5. Girl, I wish I was your differential, because then I’d be touching all your curves.
4. But enough about me, let’s talk about mu.
3. Be my queen and mate me with your knight moves.
2. You’ve stolen the ASCII to my heart.
1. You must’ve been made by Intel to be that hot!

And, just as a side note, if you’re in Houston, female, over the age of twenty-one and any of these would work on you, drop me a line! 😉

Damn, I could really use a cigarette.
So, the other day, I’m talking with my therapist and he points out an interesting “coincidence”. The women who appreciate me most are all pretty well unavailable. Damn if he’s not right. Let me break it down.
First, there are the married women. Mostly, the unhappily married women, or at least married women who seem to be missing something in their marriage that I seem to have, or so they think. Maybe it’s the fact that I’m in touch with my feelings and can actually express them. Maybe it’s that I’m not obsessed with sports or some other distracting hobby, other than blogging, of course. Maybe it’s just that I pay attention to them, while their partners, who see them every day, don’t. Maybe it’s just that they don’t know me.
Damn, I could really use a cigarette.
Then, of course, there are the divorced women. Sure, they’re available, but, they either have no time for me or they fall into the next demographic group. Again, I think all the same things apply from the first. The divorced women who find me interesting, I think, must see in me everything that their ex-husbands were not. At least, I hope that’s it and, hey, it’s a working theory until one of them straightens me out, right?
Damn, I could really use a cigarette.
Next, there are all the nice, young, attractive women in distant lands. Anywhere from Oklahoma to New York to Denver to the Phillipines to Japan. Anywhere, in short, that’s too damn far to drive to from Houston. Now, really, I did not start this blog almost six years ago looking to “hook up”, okay? I started the whole thing as a marketing ploy to boost my ranking in Google. It worked, too. But, along the way, I got married, then divorced, and found myself with a largely female readership. At the time, I thought it was great. A lovely turn of events. Turns out, not so much. So many of the most interesting women were all, well, rather unreachable. Not out of my league, or anything so narrow-minded or self-limiting as all that, but out of my reach geographically. Yeah, great. So, the girls in far off places think I “look fine” and write well and have interesting hobbies or whatever. That’s great, but I don’t exactlly get to the Phillipines for coffee, you know?
Damn, I could really use a cigarette.
And, really, this is not for lack of trying here, kids. I have tried to find someone local. Really. Stepped way, way, way outside my comfort zone to ask out ladies from on-line. Tried the Bookstore Method more than once, but with similar results. Even looked around at church, but, as I told someone via e-mail, I “love the Lord” and everything, but, well, I don’t think I want to double-date with Him, you know? I’m sure that whole “water-to-wine” trick is great at parties, but, crown of thorns sort of puts people off. Anyway, it just seems to me like the more available a woman is, the less interested she is in me.
So, anyone care to tell me where I’m making my mistakes? What am I doing wrong here?

Damn, I could really use a cigarette.

A funny thing happened to me while searching for tools.
I found them. Oh, okay, this might not be all that shocking, but, really I didn’t expect to find so many good utilities so quickly, even with Google. So, here you go, you poor, blighted souls that must manage and maintain Windows systems, here are your utility links:

Microsoft Resource Kit Tools
Windows Utilities at LabMice
Utilities at MajorGeeks.com(Not all free, but most are pretty cheap if they aren’t free.)
Freeware Files Windows Diagnostics (Now, these are ALL free.)
Doc Memory RAM Tester (Free for a limited time, so grab it quick!)

Ironically, just after I started this search, my need for these utilities mysteriously went away. Funny how often that happens after a reboot, isn’t it? Argh! Users! Can’t live with ’em and can’t make a living without ’em!

Oh, how sweet is this!?
So, I was looking around the other day for a PERL script that would send me an SMTP mail notification from a Windows 2000 server at a remote location, so that I’d know what their IP address had been changed to after a reboot. (It’s a long story, but it involves a VNC server, a cable-router, and a bad power grid.) And, whenever I search for this kind of thing, I go to my backup/long-term memory archive, Google, and do a search. Guess what I found? A whole set of web pages at Microsoft dedicated to Windows-centric system admin and monitoring PERL scripts. Oh, I think I’m in heaven!
I’ve been looking for this kind of thing for ages and ages. I have no idea why I never found it until now, but, well, here it is! Now, I can develop that massive, PERL-based auditing system that I’ve always dreamed of having! YEA!