Diary of a Network Geek

Okay, just to clarify last night’s post, I’m okay.
Sure, I could be better, but, really, there is no cause for alarm. I do appreciate all the concern, truly, I do, but I assure you that all is as it should be. Mind, I wouldn’t turn away anyone wanting to take care of me, as that might be nice for a change, but there’s nothing going on beyond my normal, high-stress bottoming out. Happens on a regular basis, induces cravings for bad habits, and then it passes. This time, the “keystone”, as it were, was watching French Kiss last night. A fun film, actually. A romantic comedy set in France staring Meg Ryan and Kevin Kline. Every other shot of Kline has him smoking or about to smoke. Nothing sets off my craving more than watching someone smoke in the movies. And, no, I have no idea why.
Anyway, nothing to worry about. I didn’t light up and feel better this morning. We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog browsing.

I want to smoke.
Not just a smoke, but to smoke. I want to chain smoke clove cigarettes until the hazy cloud surrounds me like an airy, armored halo. I want to light my next smoke on the red-hot cherry of the last one and burn through the pack as fast as I can breathe. I want to sit very still in the damp fog that insulates Houston tonight from the ennui of this post Valentine’s Day euphoria that everyone feels but me and smoke until I can feel the nicotine seep through my pores like the sweat on a cold Scotch. I want to feel the burn as I suck the hot fire of my favorite Indonesian cancer sticks into my lungs. I want to see the cloud thicken as I blow the sweet, dark smoke out my flared nostrils. I want to smoke like a death row inmate wants his conjugal visit. I want to feel the tingle that starts at my hairline and cascades down my scalp as the tiny capillaries push that sweet lady nicotine through my skull into my brain and make me feel alive even as it slowly kills me. I want it as bad as I imagine a junky wants his fix after three days clean listening to his cell mate chatter. I want to start smoking and just keep on until my entire body is ash. I want to skip work, skip therapy, skip eating. I just want to smoke. I want to smoke my fear and my pain and my worry away in a sugary, spicy, clove cloud. I want my entire life to be consumed through a filtered krtek so I won’t have to be bothered with people, places or things again. I don’t want to move or even think. I just want to smoke.
Yeah, I could go for a smoke.

This post brought to you by the song “Lady Nicotine” on A Little Gun Shy, by Brian Douglas and French Kiss staring Meg Ryan and Kevin Kline.