Diary of a Network Geek

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Originally uploaded by Network Geek

Yeah, more scans.

Well, by the time most of you read this, I’ll be getting scanned at M. D. Anderson. Another CT scan, with barium contrast. And x-rays. I’m getting one every four months now, and then it’ll be every six and then once a year. Theoretically, it’ll be once a year forever, but I’m not sure if I can afford to do that forever, but I’m trying to take things one scan at a time. I try not to worry, but it does seem like I’m paying an endless series of medical bills and it does get to be a drain on my income.

Naturally, I worry about what the results will be. I won’t know until Tuesday next week, so I’ll just have to hold on and hope for the best.
The picture I’ve posted here includes that first x-ray from just under two years ago when I thought I had pneumonia. When my General Practitioner saw the film, well, I don’t think he’d ever told anyone they were going to die before. Oh, that’s not what he said, but that’s what his face said. The words he used were “unidentified mass”, but what I heard was cancer and death. As I recall, I started to cry in the exam room.

But, obviously, that’s not what happened.
I didn’t die. I went through chemo and came out a different person six months later. I’m not quite the same guy I was when I came down with a slight case of cancer. I’m not entirely sure how I am different, really, but I know I am. I can feel the difference.
This weekend, I was talking with someone about a book. It was a book that had been recommended. It had been offered as a guide to finding God, or at least an aid. My response was that I didn’t know much about spirituality, really, but I spent a lot of time reading books about it and I never once found God in a book. Books are about knowing things in my head, understanding, an intellectual knowledge. But, God and spirituality is something I need to feel. Those are things that knowing in my head hasn’t been of any real benefit to me. They’re things that I have to experience, to feel.

A friend of mine tells me that I’ve gained some spiritual knowledge from my ordeal. Some new, deeper truth about life, my life, that I have yet to integrate into my world. He seems to think that’s why I get uneasy and restless more often than used to. He’s more spiritual than I am, so maybe he’s right. I don’t know.
I do know that while I spend a lot of time talking at God, I don’t spend a lot of time listening. For all I know, God’s been answering me quite directly for some time now, but my mind is too filled with chatter and mental junk that I can’t hear Him. So, what to do. Well, I don’t know, really, but old habits die hard, so I’m reading a book on meditation. Specifically, A Practical Guide to Buddhist Meditation by Paramananda. My thought is that it will help me still my mind and clear the way for something better to come into me. When I used to meditate, back in college, it used to really relax me and calm me down. But, it’s been so long, I thought I could use a refresher course in how to do it. Besides, it was on sale. I can’t hardly resist a book sale.

Who knows? Maybe next time, I won’t get so worked up about getting the radioactive enema from a stranger.
Wouldn’t count on it, though.

Right now, I’m reading Zohar: The Book of Splendor: Basic Readings from the Kabbalah edited by Gershom Scholem.

It’s a relatively short book, actually, but fairly challenging. It looks at the Kabbalah in brief and tantalizing detail. As a non-Jew, it’s an interesting look at the more hidden meanings behind Jewish scripture. Though, to be honest, I think there are many Jews who don’t know much about the Kabbalah, much the same way many Christians don’t know much about the Book of Revelations.
The allegorical meanings of seemingly simple verses open whole new worlds of thought for me. The explanation of the creation story in mythic terms reveals whole new vistas of meaning and nuance. It has effected me in a profound and deep way. New spiritual possibilities have been opened to me. I don’t normally get into that kind of personal stuff on this site, but it’s really made me think about some things.

These are troublesome days, I think. The economy is in doubt. There is war and violence in the world which, no matter how justifiable, is always a little frightening. My life is in a constant state of flux and doubt. So, where do I turn for help in sorting things out? Toward a spiritual source of comfort. And, these days, I don’t limit myself to the Bible. So, I’m reading a book on the Kabbalah and, sometimes, I go to 365 Zen : Daily Readings to find inspiration. Sometimes, I just sit by our ponds and try to listen for whatever voice may come out of the vastness of the Universe to help me.

In any case, my point is that I’m trying to enrich my spiritual life so that the rest of my life doesn’t seem as frightening and doubtful. So far, it’s helped.