Diary of a Network Geek

The trials and tribulations of a Certified Novell Engineer who's been stranded in Houston, Texas.

11/25/2005

PC Punchlines

Filed under: Art,Criticism, Marginalia, and Notes,Deep Thoughts,Fun,Things to Read — Posted by the Network Geek during the Hour of the Tiger which is terribly early in the morning or 5:30 am for you boring, normal people.
The moon is Waxing Gibbous

Yes, jokes with politically correct punchlines.
Ironically, they’re still funny! Yes, honest, realistic answers and endings to the start of jokes can be funny in their own uncomfortable, ironic way. These came to us via Boing Boing, but are on Something Awful (warning, this site might get a little bit more than PG-13).
I think my favorite is:
“Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
Repeated absences and stealing.”

Or,
“Jesus is hanging on the cross and John approaches.
John says: “Jesus, its John. How may I serve thee ain thy time of need?”
Jesus replies: “YEEEAAAAAAAARGGHGGGHGGHGGGHGGHGGH!!!!!” ”
(Yes, it’s a little sacreligious, but, c’mon, it’s still funny in a gross kind of way!)

Or, possibly,
“Knock knock
Who’s there?
The wallet inspector!
Ditch the jokes and come inside, Tim, it’s fucking cold. ”

Anyway, it’s the Friday after Thanksgiving, and if you’re reading this blog, you probably have a warped sense of humor and could use a laugh, so click the link and enjoy.

11/24/2005

You Know What I Miss?

Filed under: Deep Thoughts,Life, the Universe, and Everything,Personal — Posted by the Network Geek during the Hour of the Pig which is late at night or 11:09 pm for you boring, normal people.
The moon is Waxing Gibbous

You know what I really miss about being married?

No, it’s not the sex. Though, I have to admit, a little nookie now and then sure takes the edge off. Funny thing about that, though… See, all the sex advice therapist type folks, like Dr. Ruth and Dr. Drew and so on, they all say that sex is supposed to get better the longer you’re in a relationship, right? You get to know each other’s moods and needs and wants. The communication is supposed to be better, so getting to the “good stuff” is supposed to get easier, right? Yeah, funny thing about that, in my marriage, not so much. In fact, the harder I worked at that, the worse the sex got. Hmm, have to sort that one out in therapy. So, anyway, it’s not the regular, two-person sex that I miss.
Nor is it her cooking. Oh, don’t get me wrong, my ex-wife is a great cook, when she wants to be. Might not be very imaginative or creative, and maybe she sticks a little closer to the recipe than I do, but what she did turn out was always, without fail delicious. And filling. In fact, at the end, I’ve seen e-mail wherein she told her new paramour that she was trying to a) keep me happy by feeding me well (didn’t quite work, though the meals were to die for!) and b) kill me with high-cholesterol meals (obviously, since I’ve lost 8 pounds in the past three weeks, that didn’t quite work either). Besides, I’m really enjoying my own cooking. My Near Eastern Spicy Chicken L’Orange fairly melts in your mouth. Trust me! And the beer bread I made for Thanksgiving keeps getting me invited back, year after year. Though, honestly, most folks like my sourdough best. And, I’ve started another sourdough starter just this week. So, it’s not the super delicious food, either.
No, what I miss is something I used to call “Snuggle Time”.
See, my ex could never stand sleeping with someone touching her, which I always wanted. I tried to get her to fall asleep resting her head on my chest, listening to my love drum hammer out its steady beat, but she’d never go for it. Instead, what we settled on was Snuggle Time. After I’d finally put down my book, turn out the light and slide under the covers, I’d slip over to her side of the king-size bed we shared and try to melt into her. She’d grab my hand like a little girl holding her teddybear, tucking our little combined fist under her chin while we “spooned”. And, for five or ten or, if I was lucky, fifteen minutes, I’d get to feel close to that tender, soft, curvy mystery that is woman. It was the best part of the day. For a few minutes, I’d know that ten-hour days, late shifts, missed meals, extra hours on the weekend, being on-call 24/7, skipped books, or software and computers that I decided I could live without were all worth it, because for five or ten or, if God loved me extra that day, fifteen minutes, I could feel truly worthwhile and content and in love. It was better than sex and more important than food, those few minutes of Snuggle Time. I’d forego either, or both, for a few extra minutes of Snuggle Time.

So, you see, the mean, old bear of a tattooed, crusty computer geek has a soft side.
Makes you feel all mushy inside, don’t it?

It’s not too late!

Filed under: Advice from your Uncle Jim,Fun,Life, the Universe, and Everything,Things to Read — Posted by the Network Geek during the Hour of the Tiger which is terribly early in the morning or 5:55 am for you boring, normal people.
The moon is Waxing Gibbous

You can still learn to be a good guest on Thanksgiving.
Personally, I’m bringing home-made bread, baked in my own kitchen, to the folks that are taking me in for Thanksgiving this year. And, of course, I’ll provide endless amusement with my wacky stories about my ex-wife. Those are always good for a laugh! Not to mention the fact that everyone will have at least one computer question for me. But, some of you may not be so lucky, so, for those unfortunate few, I offer this: the Men’s Health Guide to Being a Good Guest.
It hits the highlights of good guestness, but I especially like the cheesey magic tricks. And, I would add that bringing something, anything, is always a plus. If you’re not good in the kitchen you can always bring wine or beer. If your hosts are tee-totallers, you can still bring last minute flowers, just don’t pick them in your host’s yard.
(However, should your holiday turn ugly, may I reccomend The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook: Holidays? I have it, just in case things take a turn for the worse.)

Have a great Thanksgiving Day everyone!


Advice from your Uncle Jim:
"I'm always amazed that people take what I say seriously. I don't even take what I am seriously."
   --David Bowie

11/22/2005

My Mommy Loves Me!

Filed under: Deep Thoughts,Life, the Universe, and Everything,Personal,The Network Geek at Home — Posted by the Network Geek during the Hour of the Monkey which is in the late afternoon or 5:54 pm for you boring, normal people.
The moon is Waxing Gibbous

Allow me to explain…
I have recieved word that my sainted mother’s world-famous orange rolls are currently winging their way to me from distant Chicagoland. This might not seem like a big thing, but, believe me when I tell you those orange rolls taste like love.
They’re a holiday staple at that house. Lusted after and coveted all year long. Mom only makes them at either Thanksgiving or Christmas. Never both and almost always at Thanksgiving. They take hours and hours to make, mainly because massive amounts of orange peel must be carefully grated off only the freshest oranges available. They’re deliciously yeasty little rolls all glazed over in a caramelized orange sauce that is pure heaven.
Mom generously made two dozen of them so I could share them with the folks who are taking me in this year for Thanksgiving. I laughed out loud when she told me this.
“Ha! Are you kidding me? Those are all MINE!” I told her.
“Don’t you want to share any with them?” she asked.
“NO! What do they know from orange rolls, Mom? ‘Sides, I’m making bread to bring. They don’t need orange rolls.”
My father, who started this tradition by insisting that she keep making them, some mysterious holiday before I was born, simply laughed his great, roaring belly laugh at my holiday greed. I don’t think he’d share, either, if she’d let him get away with that.

The orange rolls should arrive tomorrow under armed guard via UPS.

11/29/2004

What’s Goin’ On

Filed under: Life, the Universe, and Everything,Personal — Posted by the Network Geek during the Hour of the Hare which is in the early morning or 7:15 am for you boring, normal people.
The moon is Waxing Gibbous

Oh, boy, where to start.

Well, first, let me say that I probably just won’t be posting for a bit. My wife left me last week Sunday, right before Thanksgiving, and we’ll be getting a divorce. So, that’s going to be taking a lot of my time and energy, which will leave little left over for the blog.
Second, I’m afraid that I might say some things that are legally innapropriate considering my current marital situation, so, again, not a good idea to post anything for a bit.

Not sure how long it will take to get this resolved, but, when I do, I’ll start posting again.

Thank you for your support. If you’re the praying kind, keep me in your prayers.

11/26/2002

ISPs and Updates and Such

Filed under: Personal — Posted by the Network Geek during the Hour of the Snake which is mid-morning or 10:49 am for you boring, normal people.
The moon is Waxing Gibbous

Wow, it’s been a long time since I updated my blog!

For one thing, I’ve been wrestling with my web host/ISP for one of my other domain names. I wanted to get a simple upgrade done and two weeks later, I didn’t even have a status report, much less the upgrade. So, I decided to move that domain, which is Fantasist.net, BTW, to a new ISP. So far, so good. They seem to be better than the last folks and they sure are less expensive!

As for other updates, I’m still working at Loomis Fargo. In fact, they’ve started to make noises about bringing me on board full-time. So, I guess I’m still doing okay. It’s been a really easy job for me so far. Nothing more challenging than checking backups and dealing with printer problems, really. Of course, this weekend, I’ll be doing an in-place upgrade on a Novell NetWare server. Got to get up to version 5.1, or we won’t get Novell support! And, at the same time, I’ll update it to the newest NetWare Directory Services revision, too. Two birds with one stone and all that.

Well, that’s enough of an update for now. More later this week. Maybe how I survived Thanksgiving at my in-laws.

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