Looking Back…
Looking back always seems so much easier than looking forward.
Today is the one year anniversary of my freedom. Or, if you prefer, my divorce. Hopefully, my first and last divorce. I surely do not want to go through that again, so, in the future, I plan to be much, much more careful about with whom I pledge to spend my life. Now, some folks might say that it’s made me “angry” or “bitter”, and, while I have those emotions from time to time, mainly, it’s made me scared. Scared of making another mistake so monumental. Scared of taking that kind of personal risk. Scared of letting someone that deep into who I am again.
I remember walking out of the court building laughing out loud because I felt so light and free, as if a huge weight had been lifted off my chest. Oh, I’ve cycled through a lot of emotions about it all since that day, including “regret”, “fear”, “pain”, yes, “anger”, perhaps even “hate”, but I always come back to “free”. I don’t know when I felt so trapped by that marriage. I can’t remember when I felt like it was smothering me, choking me, killing me, but, in retrospect, it was.
I still don’t look forward to taking the risks and opening myself to the vagaries of the dating world. My most recent foray in that arena didn’t turn out so well, no doubt because I am so guarded, but try so hard to compensate for that. I tell too much truth too bluntly. I panicked and got grasping, then, over reacting to that, I slammed the portcullis in place and proclaimed loudly, “None shall pass!”
But, now I hear the faint, sweet music outside the castle walls. I listen and try to place the tune. The harder I listen, the more the music drifts away until I’m leaning out over the precipice, straining to find the source of that sweet, sweet music, but it still eludes me. I think the only way to find it is to leave the walls and go exploring.
Why is it so much easier to dwell on the past than explore the frightening, unknown future?
Advice from your Uncle Jim:
"Character may be manifested in the great moments, but it is made in the small ones."
--Phillips Brooks
