Weltschmertz
I’m homesick.
It started on the way to the airport last night with my parents and just got worse. I had to tear out of the departures dropoff at high speed or else I was going to start blubbering like a baby. The really sad thing is, I’m homesick for a place that doesn’t really exist anymore. That “home” I left and that I miss so much doesn’t really exist except in my mind. The house where I grew up is in a neighborhood that, as my parents described it, is so changed that I most likely would hardly recognize it at all. But, I miss my family something terrible. I’m sure the divorce and attendant “opportunities for growth” that brought are part of my homesickness, but it’s more than that, I think. Equal parts fear of the unknown future and longing for a place that never truly existed. It’s the loss of hopes and dreams and what I thought was a sure future. It’s the fear of never getting past the current depressing circumstances where I’m currently caught. I once read it described as “homesickness for a place I’ve never been”. Weltschmertz. That troubling ache for old, familiar problems in place of the new, as-yet-unquantified problems.
You truly cannot go home again.
On a lighter note, it was an excellent visit with my parental units. We did a lot of eating out, both as a family and with friends. I did my best to get them to the local joints I knew, but my poor Dad with his tender insides as a result of surviving colon cancer had to stick to fairly safe, mainstream fare. In fact, I ate so much in the last several days that I should probably not eat dinner all the rest of this week!
Friday, Dad and I did plumbing. I thought that would be much more frightening than it was. My experiences as a child helping my father do that kind of thing were far, far different than it was this time. It was actually almost fun. Almost. At least, it was as fun as plumbing can ever be. And, he and I finished up the giant, arty water-feature for my ponds on Saturday. Saturday night, we went to church, which was good. I know it was a little different for them, since they’re fairly traditionalist when it comes to church, but they were happy that I was part of some kind of faith community. Of course, I stood up and introduced them, which was a bit of a social stretch for me. But, that was rewarded with the cute girl that I have a crush on, but will never date for reasons too long to go into here, coming over to introduce herself to my parents! Why, it almost made me rethink that “but will never date…” bit. Almost. Oh, and while Dad and I were off doing testosterone-laden activities, my Mother cleaned most of my house for me. It was incredible! Now, I just have to maintain it, and keep going on the war-zone that is my ex-wife’s junk and my home office.
Sunday, we went to the pond store, Nelson’s Water Garden, and got a bigger pump for my water feature and plants. It looks cool and pictures will be forthcoming, I promise. Then, I took Mom and Dad off to the airport and, well, tried not to curl up into a fetal ball and dissolve into tears, fear, and loneliness. Having my dog helped, too, but even she was missing Grandma and Grandpa today. She was getting used to being the spoiled grand-dog, I think. So much extra affection for her! She’s moping about now because it’s just boring, old, depressed Dad who’s always too busy to play for a full eight hours. Oh, the tragedy!
In any case, it was a good visit, though too short, and pictures will follow eventually.
