Diary of a Network Geek

So, I’ve been a little quiet lately…

I suppose it’s natural, considering how busy the holidays always are, and how sick I’ve been and the family emergencies and all. Still, I feel a little guilty not keeping up with the blog.

First, let me thank everyone who sent warm holiday wishes and condolences about my uncle’s passing. I was very glad I went up for the funeral, even though I don’t particularly care for them. For one thing, I had no idea how much it would mean to my cousins, one of which I haven’t seen in close to 20 years. It was a little bizarre to see her “little” kids all grown up and talking about college or post-graduate work.
And, I know that me being there meant a lot to my father. He was very close to his older brother and I know he was really feeling the loss, even if he couldn’t say so out loud. I love my father dearly, but he certainly is where I learned to suppress my emotions. But, in any case, I was glad to be there to lend support to the mourners, though, I have to admit, it was a new and different experience to help lifting and loading my uncle’s coffin into the hearse after the funeral. There wasn’t a graveside service, since he was being cremated, so no funeral procession or need for formal pallbearers. Still, it was… Well, a bit strange to find myself doing that, performing that last familial service for a deceased relative. Honestly, I was honored to be able to do so.

My family has always had an unusual relationship with death. For one thing, we’re fairly religious and, though our individual beliefs may differ, we all believe in an existence beyond this one. I’m not sure any of us are willing to commit to what that might look like, but, I think, we all believe that the end of this life isn’t the end of all things. Certainly, that’s what I believe and the message I got from our parents. I’m not quite willing to embrace a particular view of heaven or hell or purgatory or limbo or nirvana or whatever, but I feel strongly that something goes on beyond our short time here.
Combine that with my father’s work with Elizabeth Kubler-Ross on death and dying and, well, my views on that whole process are, I think, I little different than what some folks might expect. It’s a process, a step, a thing that happens. And, of course, I’m sure it will be all different when it’s my brother, or father or other close relative who leaves this world.

But, life goes on.
So, I have a date. Thursday night at 7:30PM, with a nice Chinese girl I met on Match.com. She’s been in the States since 1997, has a Masters in Computer Science from Rice and seems, as I’ve mentioned, quite nice. At least, from the few e-mails and one phone-call, she seems nice. Her English is almost perfect. Just a trace of an accent. Just enough to make her sound a little exotic and interesting on the phone. She’s pretty cute, too, from her picture.
We’re meeting for dinner at a Thai restaurant in what my ABC friend calls the “new, safer” Chinatown. Well, actually it’s right at the edge of the “new” Chinatown. You know what fascinates me, though? I had no idea that Houston had one Chinatown, much less two. What have I been doing all this time that I missed that?
Anyway, I’ll be glad to find a new Thai restaurant and just get out a little. Though, I have to admit, as always, I’m worried about that first date. Kiss or no kiss? Hug only? Shake hands? That always stymies me. I guess I’ll just play it by ear and hope for the best. (Though advice on that topic is always welcome!)

And C., at work, has been as confusing as ever.
She had a big blowup with her BF of 9 months or so while I was away. Apparently, he was just pushing too hard and smothering her and… Well, from what she said, he made the classic mistake that all men make in that situation, even me. As we feel our heart’s desire slipping away, we try to hold on tighter and end up squeezing our chances right through our fingers.
So, I talked with her a bit and it was good, but… I don’t know. There’s something there, but what I have no idea. I sense a certain amount of interest, obviously, or I wouldn’t keep coming back to it. But… But, I keep getting mixed signals from her. My friend, J., the Groom with Cold Feet, reminded me what I was like right after my divorce, even though we’d been separated for more than a year. So, I think I can understand some of what she’s going through. I like her. I really, really like her. And, I’d like to get to know her better, but I keep getting signals that she wants me to back off, possibly all the way off. So, I think that’s what I’m going to do, more or less. No phone calls, no e-mails, nothing more than polite, professional conversation at work. At least, for a while.
Bedsides, I have at least the one girl from Match.com and another possibility, also from Match.com.

Or, I could just shave my head and join a monastery. That’d work, too.

Advice from your Uncle Jim:
"If someone keeps having things go wrong, try out the assumption that it's because that someone wants them to go wrong."
   --George Scithers

So, you may have noticed that I haven’t posted anything since before Christmas.

Well, there’s a reason. I had actually planned to post something Christmas Day, but, well, I sort of lost heart. You see, my uncle, my father’s older brother, past away Christmas Eve. I got the call first thing Monday, Christmas Morning. It sort of put a damper on all the other stuff going on. I’ll be flying home tomorrow, thanks to very generous bereavement rates, for the funeral. The vet was all booked up, but I got a friend to let the dog out and make sure she’s got food and water, not that I expect her to really eat while I’m away. She’s funny like that.

It’s depressing, of course, to go to funerals. Though, mainly, funerals don’t bother me. I’m much more put off by mourners. I’m a little socially awkward to begin with and nothing’s quite so awkward as either trying to comfort someone who’s just lost their spouse or parent. At least, to me.
You see, I grew up with the idea of death. We talked about it at the dinner table. My grandmother, my father’s mother, lived with us from the time I can remember until she died, which was when I was still in college. She was quite comfortable talking about funeral arrangements for herself and all the related details. My father was one of the people with the AMA who coordinated the case work that went into the now famous On Death and Dying by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. It’s not talked about much these days, but most of her raw data came from hospital chaplains and, apparently, that was something my father was involved with back then. One of my earliest memories is being told not to hang on the edge of the casket when I was trying to see my Great-Great-Grandpa Grosh, who died at the age of 99, when I was just a little, little kid. So, death in and of itself doesn’t bother me much at all. It’s just a part of life.
But, all the other stuff that goes along with death gets to me.

And, I have to admit, it occurred to me that, one day, perhaps soon, I’d be making a similar trip to bury one or both of my parents. That idea did not sit well with me at all. Apparently, even with all the childhood hours spent in and around funeral parlors and hospitals, I had managed to repress the idea that they’d be suffling off this mortal coil eventually.  This, though, brought it all home.  And, it makes my father the eldest living Hoffman.

In any case, that’s where I’ll be Friday and through New Year’s Eve.  Well, actually, I’ll be flying back into Houston New Year’s Eve, but I’m quite sure I won’t be celebrating at all.  Then, after things settle down a bit, I’ll get in touch with the girl from Match.com with whom I broke a date Tuesday because, frankly, with all this, I wasn’t going to be very good company.  She was sweet, though, and I look forward to meeting her in person, eventually.  Since she was born in China, I suspect I’ll be getting to know some new haunts with her, especially in our Chinatown.  Hey, I didn’t even know that Houston had a Chinatown!

Oh, and another bit of good news: The groom with cold feet, J., who will be watching my dog, has been talking to L., his once and future fiance.  And, she’s already taken the ring back.  They’re going slower this time, though, which I think is probably a good thing for both of them.  Still, I’m very happy that these two are back together.  Crazy as they both might be sometimes, they’re still perfect for each other.

Well, I’ll queue a Friday Fun Link post, but I won’t be active on-line until I get back Sunday night.  Enjoy the weekend.

Advice from your Uncle Jim:
"If you can't be thankful for what you receive, be thankful for what you escape."
   --Unknown

What, you thought I’d do something else today?

Naturally, with Christmas just around the corner, I’ve got a couple last minute Christmas ideas for you.  First, there’s the eWeek IT Stocking Stuffer Guide.  To be fair, not every computer geek is into all the stuff on this list, but, still, you’re more likely to get a hit than not.  Mainly, as long as you stay away from the 10 Most Dangerous Toys of All Time, you should be okay, but, well, even some of those are cool for the danger factor involved.  (And the nostalgia factor, since I actually had some of those toys as a kid!)

But, if all the gift-giving has broken your Christmas spirit, read Bill Murray’s Dinner with Santa Claus.   It’s sure to bring a smile to your face, which, if you’re trying to survive your First Holiday in a new relationship, can be important!
And, if all else fails, there is actually proof that drinking, in moderation, is healthy for you.  So, drink up a little Christmas cheer, and have a great one!  Christmas, that is.

Advice from your Uncle Jim:
"I know only that what is moral is what you feel good after and what is immoral is what you feel bad after."
   --Ernest Hemingway

Thankfully, the chaos belongs to other people for a change.

So, my buddy, J., got his ring back yesterday morning. We have him on, more or less, suicide watch. I’m not sure how many nights he’s going to be hanging at Hoffman’s Home for Wayward Boys, and he may not spend the entire night, but I’m sure he’ll be over more than once between now and Christmas.
Here’s how it went down….

Saturday night, J. stayed home from church because he wasn’t feeling well. And, in fact, we talked earlier in the afternoon about that and how the anitbiotics were draining him and making him feel even more depressed than normal. We also talked about getting fitted for tuxedos next weekend, in preparation for the wedding and as a show of good faith to L., J.’s fiance, that he was committed to the wedding. So, when he didn’t show at church, I didn’t think much of it, but I also noticed that L. wasn’t at church either, which was a bit worrying, considering the tender state of affairs with the wedding and their relationship. Ironically, I ended up sitting with J.’s last ex-fiance, who’s been through her own wedding announcement only to have it called off for reasons unknown to the general public. I have my own speculations on that, but nothing concrete. She was having a rough evening, too, but I managed to coax a smile out of her.

I may not have many talents when it comes to the opposite sex, but making them laugh seems to be chief amongst the ones I do seem to manage.

In any case, after church was over, I called over to see what J. was doing for dinner and he let me know that L. was over and they’d just had dinner. By then, I was outside in the parking lot and realized that I didn’t really feel like going to dinner with anyone, so I zipped home and indulged in a little Mickey D’s along the way. And, to be honest, at this point, I figured things were pretty well on an even keel with the two of them and the wedding and all. No worries, right?

Not quite.
I usually sleep late on Sunday, having been to church the night before. But yesterday, I got a call a little before 8:00am that woke me. I’m sure J. had been staring at the phone, waiting until it was a “decent hour” to call for some time before that. He tells me he’s still depressed and afraid to get married. He tells me that L. has suggested that he look at some other unresolved issues that might be causing his depression and the implication is that he’s still got cold feet about the wedding. He tells me that he thinks all the doubt is telling him not to get married yet and that he doesn’t love, really love, L. He tells me that she’s on her way over to “talk” and, probably, give the ring back.
He asked if I’d stay with him on the phone until she got there. Naturally, I just kept talking with him while I let the dog out, got a cup of coffee and pulled on a robe. When she arrived, J. told me he’d call after they were done.

That turn of phrase ended up being a little more prophetic than one would suppose.
They do, indeed, seem to be done. After a several hour “talk”, wherein she actually sung his praises, the poor bastard, she returned the ring. Sadly, because she adored him so much, now, the possibility of them remaining friends is, well, not very good at all. Seeing him that way would be too painful for her. Just like J. seeing K. when she made the announcement about her engagement, even though that, too, has been called off.
The really heart-breaking thing for me, however, was when J. sobbed into the phone that he might have just made the biggest mistake of his life, that maybe he did actually love her after all. I’m fairly certain that all I could muster was “Aw, dude…” What can I say in the face of that sharp a personal tragedy? Not content to ride it out, he’d done the worst thing and made a decision. A decision he’s not happy with having made. At least I had the presence of mind not to tell him that he really “screwed the pooch” on this one.
Besides, I’ve mellowed with age.

Now, I’m sure a part of him was thinking he could do better, but, really, I don’t think he could have.  She isn’t the thinest, tiny-waisted thing, but her curves looked just fine.  And, she was patient enough to have gone through this for more than two months, back and forth, which is more than anyone should have to endure.  She’s also smart as a whip and was as caring and solicitous of his friends (ie. me) as a guy could ask for.  But, now, she’s gone.  Poor guy.  I suppose only time will tell if this is a permanent thing or not, but, frankly, I don’t think he can crawl long enough, or low enough, to get her back at this point.

It’s going to be a long week for both of them.

Advice from your Uncle Jim:
"Happiness is a direction, not a place."
   --Sydney J. Harris

I’m 38 today.

Time marches on, with or without our consent, and so, much to my surprise, I find that I’ve survived another year. I think of my birthday as, well, just another day. It’s not like I’m suddenly a year older over night, after all. If I seem older this year, it’s due mainly to over-work and a head cold that decided to move South into my chest. Oh, I suppose my hair is a little grayer than it was last year and the eyes that meet mine in the mirror seem, perhaps, a little more world-weary, but, otherwise, I’m mostly the same as I’ve always been. I plan a low-key evening of bill-paying and an early bed-time, sleep having become the ultimate luxury in my life. I will, however, enjoy a glass of Cask Strength Macallan, as I did last year, before slipping off to the Land of Nod.

Historically, this has been an interesting day, the anniversary of my birth not withstanding. For instance, I share a birthday with such varied luminaries as Frank “Chairman of the Board” Sinatra, Bob Barker, Gustave Flaubert, author of Madame Bovary, Edvard Munch, and Wells Fargo founder, Henry Wells. Not to mention, Mike Pinder of the Moody Blues, Tim Hauser of Manhattan Transfer, Dickey Betts of the Allman Bros, jazz musician Grover Washington Jr, and former mayor of New York City, Ed Koch.
Also, it was on this day, in 1901, that Italian physicist and radio pioneer Guglielmo Marconi succeeded in sending the first radio transmission across the Atlantic Ocean. But, that’s not all! My birthday is also when, in 1925, Arthur Heinman coined term “motel”, and opened Motel Inn in San Luis Obispo, California. On this day, in 1964, shooting started for the “Star Trek” pilot, The Cage (which was later reused in Menagerie).
A year before I was born, in 1967, the US launched Pioneer 8 into solar orbit. And, on the actual day of my birth, in 1968, the US performed its first nuclear test at the Nevada Test Site. So, obviously, my birthday was, indeed, earth-shattering.

As I figured last year, it was, in fact, an interesting trip again. Try as I might to lead as boring a life as possible, the Universe sees fit to liven things up for me. Well, this year was a little quieter than last, at least in the legal arena, even if it was a little light in the relationship end of things. I still have no idea what the next year will bring, but, as per usual, I’m sure it will be something other than I expect! Remember what your Uncle Jim says, kids, after twenty-one, every year you survive is a victory, no matter how small it may seem at the time.
I’ve survived one more lap around the sun.
How many more before the race is done?

Advice from your Uncle Jim:
"The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of life is this; decide what you want."
   --Ben Stein

“…and Cupid has his camps.” -Ovid

So, as per usual in my alleged love life, I face an uphill battle.
C.’s divorce is final, but she already had a boyfriend, as I mentioned in an earlier post. Well, maybe not so much any more, in part, I’m afraid, due to me. Allow me to explain…

C.’s divorce was final Monday, so I called her to see how she was doing. I remember what it was like going through my divorce and, even though I didn’t have to actually deal with my ex-wife, it was quite draining. I was, emotionally speaking, a little bit like a wrung out dish rag that’s been dropped in a heap. Oh, sure, I was elated at being free of her, but, still, it was a very trying and stressful process. So, maintaining the clever fiction that I’m a “nice guy”, I called to check on her. Now, before you go reading too much into that, I had her number when I thought I’d be adopting her dog. Whoops! Getting ahead of myself!

In any case, we talk for a good thirty minutes or more. She starts by thanking me for calling then to ask if I mind if her former sister-in-law takes the dog. Turns out she suggested that they make them the offer months ago, but her ex never acted on it. At least, not until he found out that some strange man at his ex-wife’s office (ie. me) was going to adopt the dog. When he found that out, suddenly, his sister or sister-in-law or whatever seemed like a better idea. C., however, hadn’t made that connection, until I pointed it out to her.
So, we’re talking away, and, as per usual these days, I have her laughing out loud on a regular basis, when she says, “Um, I better take this call.”
“Oh?” I reply.
“Yeah, he’s calling back. I clicked over to talk to you and never went back to him.”
“Yikes, yeah, I guess you’d better take it. See you tomorrow at work!”

The next day, I stopped to apologize if I got her into trouble with her jealous, short-tempered boyfriend. Well, I didn’t put it like that, but I was thinking it. Her response lead me to believe that it was almost over and he was on very, very thin ground. And, as well he should be. They’re long-distance and either he has to make up his mind that she’s trustworthy or let go and move on. Just like I did when I was first dating my ex-wife. Of course, she was a whole lot more likely to be cheating on me than C., but, that’s a whole different story.
Well, I decided to more or less act like nothing had happened and keep up my normal flirtatious behavior with her. After all, I figured I was getting closer to being “in”, as it were. On the way out about 5:20pm, I found C. still at her desk writing e-mail to her future ex-boyfriend. I know that because she told me that’s what she was doing when I asked why she was working late. So, naturally, I apologized again for any trouble I caused and offered to make it up to her with, oh, say, dinner… For that, I was rewarded with a sly grin, a giggle, a blush and the sudden loss of eye contact.

Now, ladies, you tell me, is that a good thing? I sort of read that as the reaction of a shy person who was getting a bit more polite attention than she was used to getting. Do you think I’m reading it wrong?

Then, this morning, she seemed to be back together with him. Not quite sure what I was missing, but, if I were a woman with kids and a guy started bossing my kids around, but we weren’t living together, that’d be a big strick against him. So would not being able to pay his own bills at the age of 36. Or the trust issues that he seems to have. Or making the statement that he “wouldn’t ever kiss a woman’s a** for any reason”. ‘Cause I have to tell you, having been married, there were plenty of times I did stupid stuff that required a whole lot of kissing up afterward. Granted, I may not have done quite enough, but it should be a two-way street. My father agreed with me, heartily, on a speaker phone in front of my mother. He didn’t even hesitate.

So, as always, I’ve gone back to my bookshelf to find what Uncle Jim’s Magical Library had on the subject. What I found were two books that survived my marriage, interestingly enough, called Love Tactics and More Love Tactics.
Now, before you scoff, these are the techniques I used to get my ex-wife. Hmm, yeah, okay, maybe that’s not the best endorsement ever, but they don’t talk about picking a target, only achieving your goal. And, for good or ill, they did help me do that. Incidentally, the techniques would work for either a man or a woman, as far as I know, even though it’s meant mostly for men. You ladies may recognize a few of the “rules” though. You know, the kinds of things you have been doing to men since time began. “Be available, until they get used to you being available, then suddenly don’t be for a bit.” That kind of thing. Frigtheningly effective, really. So, we’ll see how it goes.

Oh, incidentally? When I told my parents about the books? They laughed, but my father said, in essence, “go get her”. I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree after all.

UPDATE:  Now, apparently, there’s a website by the author of the Love Tactics books called, ironically enough, LoveTactics.com.  And, it’s got an endorsement by Oprah, so you know it’s got to be good!

Advice from your Uncle Jim:
"The greatest achievements are those that benefit others."
   --Denis Waitley

So, I’ve been getting quotes on a lot of service providers lately.

Wow, this is why I don’t put phone tech on my resume. I hate doing phone work! But, still, since most phone switches are now digital, at least, and mostly a specialized computer, it does make sense. But, along the way, I’ve had a couple of issues with providers. That means that I’ve been doing a lot of comparison shopping. If you get stuck doing this, here’s two sites that will help:
AllInternetNow and BridgeOne Broadband Locators
I’ve actually used the latter of the two most recently and the response was phenomenal! Within fifteen minutes, I had a phone call from someone who confirmed my information and fired my information off to four providers to bid on the service. No more than fifteen minutes after that, I had one of those providers calling me. Oh, and did I mention that was a free service? At least, it was free to me, which is all that matters. Not bad.

Anyway, I just thought I’d share that for those of you who get stuck in the same spot I often do. Hope it helps someone!

Advice from your Uncle Jim:
"On a clear disk, you can see forever."

A cigarette sure would taste good about now.

So, as my regular readers know, I missed my NaNoWriMo goal by a factor of about, oh, 10 or so. I managed just under 5,000 words of the 50,000 goal. So, in that sense, it was a total failure. However, that was 5,000 more words of fairly not terrible fiction than I’ve written in, well, in a very, very long time. So, in that sense, it at least got me writing some more. (You can see the drivel I managed to produce at my other blog, Fantasist’s Scroll.) What I learned from all this is that working 10 to 12 hour days and weekends does not make for a good writing schedule. I just wish I had more to show for all that work than I do.

You see, after a good two-and-a-half weeks of soul-crushing, mind-numbing work, I still have “issues” with our new phone system and voice and internet provider. The main issue with the new phone system is voice-mail. The phone switch itself, a Nortel BCM 400, is actually quite nice, as far as I’m concerned. Loads of features, quite easy to use and, once you get used to the interface, easy enough to manage. It also came with some nice tools that I can use to monitor the switch from my PC via my network. Now, granted, we have an issue with one of the cabinets having a bad backplane, but, once I moved those cards to the second media cabinet, it seemed to stabilize quite nicely. Of course, I’ll be going in to the office for a bit tomorrow to check on things to make sure it’s still running okay, but I’m fairly confident that all will be well.
The “problem” I have with the new CallPilot voice-mail system is, well, mainly that it’s new. And it has new, different options and menus. Yeah, pretty much, that’s the only “problem”. It works differently than the old system and the boss doesn’t like that. *sigh* So, now I have to try and salvage that end of things. I’m hoping that I can get some kind of work around that I can program into the phone switch to make it more like the old system, but, as of right now, the biggest problem with the new phone system is that it’s new.

The data end of things, however, is a different story. Since about two of my readers actually care about this, I’ll sum it up for you. The salesman told me that I’d be able to do something with e-mail that we do on our current provider and, today, I found out that we simply cannot do that unless we have our own server. Eventually, we will have our own server, but, until then, I can’t have a feature that my boss, the president of the company, sees as essential to his business taken away from him. It simply won’t fly.
And, if that’s not enough reason to be suddenly craving a good smoke, there’s more in my personal life.

So, there’s that girl…
You know, over the years, I’ve noticed a pattern of sorts with the “problems” in my personal life. The problem always starts “Well, there’s this girl…” The fact that I’m days away from being 38 years old hasn’t changed that much, though the “girls” have gotten older, too.
In any case, it’s been a long, long time since a woman got to my like this one. I can’t explain it. It’s not a sex thing, honest. Oh, don’t get me wrong, I’d be happy to find her eating crackers in my bed, but there’s something about her that’s special. She’s just the right mix of crazy and conservative. Very professional at work, but, after showing her my tattoos, she confessed that she had two as well. I haven’t seen them yet, but, maybe someday. I can’t get enough of the way her dark eyes light up when I make her laugh. When I see her, I want to wrap my arms around her and hold her close just to feel her warm reality pressed against me. I want to confess secrets into her perfect, little ears and feel her cool fingers warm in my hand. I want to make her blush and fluster her with subtlety of my flattery. And she reads. Oh, God help me, she reads books for fun at lunch! Every frustrated writer’s dream! A reader to love and a lover who reads all in the same person.
So, what’s the problem? Well, aside from a divorce that will be final Monday, and an 11-year-old daughter that I think I already charmed, and an 8-year-old son I haven’t met, and the dog I’m about to adopt from her, just one. Her misogynistic, ex-Marine boyfriend who’s also a single dad and in college. (UPDATE: Okay, upon reflection, that may have been an extremely biased judgement that was partly based on desire and single-malt Scotch, but, still…)  I don’t know, though, things sound rocky. Besides, I’m the one she trusts to take the dog. And, she made some hint about being “forever friends” if I took him, since she’d want to see him again.
You know what? I think I could live with that, but, it sure makes me crave a cigarette. I always used to smoke while I waited for things to happen.

I’m not going to, though. Smoke that is. No, instead, I’ll mumble a prayer and have another Glenmorangie and water on the rocks. As I told one of my favorite bloggers last year at my birthday, I don’t drink much anymore, but I always drink the good stuff.

Advice from your Uncle Jim:
"Some people are always grumbling because roses have thorns; I am thankful that thorns have roses."
   --Alphonse Karr

Yeah, that must be it.

Sun spots are interfering with her phone. That’s why she didn’t answer when we prearranged the call and time and everything. Or, maybe, she’s on the way to the emergency room with her friend again. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

Say, ladies, that’s not code for fantasizing about the doctors on Grey’s Anatomy or something, is it? Well, whatever. Maybe I’ll meet someone tomorrow night at my buddy’s birthday party. Or not. You know, there are just too many potential posts in all this that I just don’t even know which way to turn with it. Maybe Saturday or Sunday, I’ll write something more. Maybe I’ll have a better story than the emergency room by then.

Oy! I’m about ready to give up!

Advice from your Uncle Jim:
"Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared."
   --Buddha

What to bring to a birthday party?

So, a friend of mine is having a birthday coming up and his dear, sweet, darling girl-friend is putting together a party.  Sadly, she’s an overworked grad student who is too tired to remember all the details, so, when I was being nice, polite and friendly and asked if there was anything I could do or bring, she asked me for suggestions.
I wisely deflected that with “Sadly, you have *much* more experience planning parties than I do! Besides, with my history, you never know what that kind of question is going to produce.”

Why was that wise?  Because the first three things that came to mind were pickles, a baseball bat, and clean underwear to change into for the trip to the emergency room.

Advice from your Uncle Jim:
"The only difference between saints and sinners is that every saint has a past and every sinner has a future."
   --Oscar Wilde