Diary of a Network Geek

Only the strong survive in my yard.
No, really, the entire past year has not been neglect at all, but an experiment in Darwinian garden theory. Well, okay, maybe not, but, it is true that only the strong plants make it through in my yard. The past week or so I’ve spent a lot of time in the yard doing all sorts of things.
In the front yard, I’ve been growing grass. The neighbors seem to think that I was devaluing their property by letting my front yard take nature’s course. They didn’t seem to appreciate the entire back to native plants motif that was developing there, mainly because the trees were killing the grass. They did not buy the story that I was “growing” dirt. Nope, not one bit. Seriously, I was chatting with one of the neighbors about they way my divorce turned out a couple of months ago and she asked if that meant I’d be growing grass again. And the other neighbor, who sold his house and moved a couple of streets over, just gave me a serious look and shook his head in agreement. So, I paid my lawn guys to trim the front trees and I’ve been growing grass. It’s really been coming up this week, too. I’m quite encouraged. And the neighbors wave at me again, so it’s all good.
In the back yard, I took out three mostly dead azalea bushes yesterday. Did you know that azaleas have giant, but shallow, root systems? Neither did I. Until yesterday. I did leave the one azalea that was actually flowering, though, when it’s done, I’ll be trimming it back, too. I also hacked out some reedy-looking palms that I previously tore out of my pond’s old waterfall. As well as chopping out some volunteer live oaks. Man, those running tap roots were HUGE! I must have lopped off a good eight feet worth of three-inch diameter roots just to make way for my new plantings! So, in case you’ve been keeping track, I basically removed anything that wasn’t actively flowering in one bed. Only the strong, flowering, plants survive!
I planted a peach tree where the crappy plants came out. It’s small, but it was only $13, so if it dies, I’ll go back and get something else. Maybe an orange tree or something. It doesn’t quite fit with my plan of a semi-tropical wonderland for my backyard, but it is a fruiting tree and I hope will be different enough to be interesting. Also, my ex-wife is allergic to peaches, so I had great fun choosing that particular tree to plant in a bed that we both hated but that she’d never let me change. I suggested to one of my friends that I might smear peach juice over my door way, much like the blood of a lamb, to make the Shadow of the Harpy pass over my house. I think he wet himself a little because he was laughing so hard at that image.
I have some crappy hedges to remove from the pond area next weekend or the weekend after that. I’ll replace them with bamboo, in pots and metal drums to keep them from spreading. Bamboo makes a wonderful screen, does wonderfully well in our climate and has a lot of decorative and crafty uses around the house. I’ve wanted to grow bamboo in my yard, one way or another, ever since I’ve been in this house. This is my year. Also, I think I’m going to trash one of the two cheap palms by the back of the house next to the patio. It’s a junky, little Chinese palm that never really took or got to look better. And, I may take the other volunteer palm of indeterminate variety out, as well. That one, though, I may just pot and keep small and portable. I thought I’d plant another fruit tree in their place. Maybe a mango tree. I love mangoes and have missed them since Paddi Thai closed down. Mangoes and sweet rice and vanilla ice cream are about the most wonderful thing in the world to me. I’d love to be able to have that fresh for entertaining friends and family. So, if I can find a mango tree, I think that’s what I’ll do.
Oh, and I’ve been dealing with pond issues, too. Once again, my fountain structure popped a seal and almost drained the pond over night. Luckily, it stopped before any fish died. Then, I spent most of a day filling it again and rerouting pumps and water flow to keep it going while I get the problem corrected. Luckily, the fountain with its plants and multiple layers acts as a bio filter, so, in creating this structure, even while bypassing the section that has the popped seal, I created a redundant system. Pretty cool, hunh? So, anyway, I got some heavy-duty, flexible, marine sealant to fix the external leak and now have to wait seven days for it to seal totally before testing it. So, next week Saturday, I should know for sure. In the mean time, everything is working just fine and I didn’t even lose any fish! Yea!

The best part about this weekend and all the work in the yard is that, just like my house, every change I make takes back more of that space for me. With every decision, I make this property more my own. Every passing week, I bring my house and my yard closer to my vision of how I want everything to be. Slowly, but steadily, I’m creating the haven that I need and that I want to welcome other people into. I really love my life, though I don’t always love everything going on in it at any given moment. All in all, things are looking up.

The top eleven Geek Pickup lines, fifth edition, as stolen from BBSpot, for your Friday afternoon funny:

Geek Pick-Up Lines: Part 5
11. I entered the probability equation into my TI-89 Titanium Graphing calculator and it predicted you would go out with me, see! (hold up calculator)
10. What’s a nice girl like you doing on an unsecured webcam like this?
9. Can I have a large coffee with sugar and your phone number, please?
8. Do you prefer the static or expanding universe theory more? Because, since I first saw you, I’m expanding.
7. That Princess Leia slave girl outfit would look great in a crumpled heap next to my bed.
6. You make me want to be an honest man, and register all my shareware.
5. Yes, that is a real light saber replica in my pocket, but I’m still happy to see you.
4. You’re so beautiful, I’d take my Steve Austin action figure out of its original packaging for you.
3. Do you want to come back to my place, and we can prank call George Lucas?
2. I don’t mean to disturb you, but Heisenberg’s Uncertainly Principle said I already did that by observing you.
1. Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven, because p=mv and your velocity after falling that far would be incredible.

And, that’s the last of them folks. Unless, of course, you all want to shoot me some new ones!

Yes, blood-thirsty, cute, fluffy bunnies.
Actually, it’s a game. No, don’t ask how I found this because I will not reveal my super-secret source. And, it’s a little embarassing. Anyway, Killer Bunnies is this relatively new card game wherein one tries to keep as many of your own bunnies alive while killing as many of your opponents. I have not played this game, but it sounds like it would appeal to the same side of me that likes listening to Rob Zombie. A twisted combonation of dark malice and sweet rays of sunshine. And, now, you can make your own, very special killer bunnies for the game with Killer Bunny Blanks. Doesn’t that sound like the perfect gift for the up and coming Goth in your house?

Hey, what do you want from me here? It’s been a long week.
(What? This doesn’t seem like fun to you? Come back next week for more Geek Pickup Lines, then.)

The top eleven Geek Pickup lines, fourth edition, as stolen from BBSpot, for your Friday afternoon funny:

Geek Pick-Up Lines: Part 4
11. I have so much love to give you’ll have to pipe it through more.
10. Did you make a Google Bomb? Whatever I search for, it’s you I find.
9. Do you work for a TelCom? Because I bet you’d be good at pulling cable.
8. I was hoping you wouldn’t block my pop-up.
7. Would you like to play Scrabble with me? I am tired of playing with myself.
6. You compute me.
5. Girl, I wish I was your differential, because then I’d be touching all your curves.
4. But enough about me, let’s talk about mu.
3. Be my queen and mate me with your knight moves.
2. You’ve stolen the ASCII to my heart.
1. You must’ve been made by Intel to be that hot!

And, just as a side note, if you’re in Houston, female, over the age of twenty-one and any of these would work on you, drop me a line! 😉

Okay, so here’s a two-parter, since everyone is so worried.
First, a review. I finished The Spirituality of Imperfection: Storytelling and the Search for Meaning Saturday and started on Year Zero Sunday night.
The Spirituality of Imperfection was a good book, but got a little redundant to me. As you might imagine from the title, this is a book about being, well, less than perfect. In a nutshell, the premise of the book is that only God is perfect and, since we aren’t God, we’re imperfect. What’s more, this is how things are supposed to be and, when one takes this logically, it’s really somewhat silly to expect that we could ever be perfect. The book goes on to explore the different ways that we, as imperfect human beings, deal with this lack, this flaw, and how our search for the meaning of this short-coming leads us closer to God and a deeper spiritual life. Naturally, this search is why I chose this book to read. Though it was given to me by Doc as a late Christmas gift, I set aside the book on Buddhist meditation I was about to start in favor of this because of the many recommendations I got about this one. And, it was, in fact, a good book.
Now, it got a little redundant for me not because of the message, but simply because I know that already. I never had a problem understanding that I wasn’t perfect, but, rather, why I always felt so much pressure to be perfect. My parents always challenged me to simply do the best I could and leave it at that. Of course, I was always asking myself if that was really the best I could do. I was always pushing myself to do more and better, even when I felt that I had nothing left. No matter how depleted I felt, I still pushed to dig deeper still and find that hidden reserve to draw on to do more than anyone else around me. That was in grade school. Yeah, the year, or so, of therapy has helped a lot. So has the support group that I’ve attended for the past four years and my return to church and God.
The last chapter, though, redeemed all the redundant messages. That chapter, titled “Being At Home”, capped this one off very well. The only way to end a book like this is to wrap things up with a chapter about being at ease with one’s imperfection. I’m still working on that, but, well, it’s progress.
(Year Zero, incidentally, is a pot-boiler about a plague from the First Century that gets released into today’s world. It’s interesting so far!)

Now, for the update…
Tomorrow, the Salvation Army will be picking up twenty bags of clothes and shoes from my house. No, not the stripper shoes. Those will go to eBay, most likely. No, these were regular, women’s shoes. An entire 20 gallon, black, plastic garbage bag full of them. And, nineteen more filled with clothes. Yes, that’s twenty (20) bags of children’s and adult’s clothes going out in one, fell swoop. I’m sure as I get rolling on this stuff upstairs, there will be more. And, then, there’ll be the books and furniture and jewelry and… And, I’m just getting started.
Speaking of just getting started… Someone asked about Match.com. Well, we started out strong, then, things tapered off. I’ve sent several women e-mail, but gotten no response yet. Might never get a response. I got one Wink this afternoon from Galveston, but, well, she wasn’t quite my type. (And, no, I don’t mean that she wasn’t my type because she was interested in me!) I don’t know, maybe I’m too picky. I mean, whatever her faults, my ex-wife was quite the looker. Of course, beauty fades fast, but, still, I do have standards after all. And, not to be catty or anything, but there is a very significant difference between “curvy” and “a few extra pounds”. C’mon, let’s be honest. I rated myself as “About average”, but I have to admit, I lean more toward “A few extra pounds” myself. In part, that’s what’s behind the push to get my one room cleaned out. After I get rid of all my ex-wife’s junk, that will become a workout room. She left a Soloflex and I have a free-standing heavy bag. Between the two, I should get a pretty good workout going. I really used to love the heavy bag. When I was in shape, I used to do 20+ minutes on that three times a week. That will definitely trim the fat right off my lazy butt!
Oh, and I haven’t quite given up on the Bookstore Method, either. Unless things go terribly wrong, I plan on hitting the River Oaks Borders tomorrow night. (That’s Tuesday, in case you don’t see this until the morning after I post it.) After that, though, unless things go very well, I’m going to change to the Barnes and Noble by the Galleria. I think the Fourbucks in there should attract the kind of victim, er, potential date, I’m looking for. We’ll see!

Anyway, it’s late and I’ve been drinking Scotch, so I’m off to brush my teeth, set up the coffee for the morning, read a bit and slip off to dreamland.

WOW!
Okay, so, a lot of people have been telling me “Go use Match.com”, but my therapist has been telling me “Go meet people in person”. Well, I finally broke his spirit last night and he admited that meeting people via Match.com was better than not meeting people at all. Which meant that he gave me the greenlight to go forth and cast my bread upon the waters, so to speak. Always showing patience and restraint, I waited a full hour after getting home from therapy last night before setting up a profile and uploading pictures.
This morning, before I could even do any details, really, on my profile, I’d already gotten an e-mail from someone. Wow, talk about instant gratification!
Now, look, most of you regular readers know I have a few issues. One of them is that I have no sense whatsoever of how physically attractive I am, or am not, to the opposite sex. Sadly, I know just how attractive I am to the same sex, which has done little to boost my confidence, frankly. (That was funny. You may laugh. Thank you.) So, getting a “hit” on little more than my picture almost as soon as I put up a picture had me on cloud nine this morning. Though, I do try to keep that in perspective, since she’s in Austin which is sort of a long drive for coffee. And, there was another post on another blog this morning that made me think, too. I’m not quite willing to surrender, but, I’m doing my best not to fight or play games, either. We’ll just see how it goes, though I do think the advice I got from a friend to keep the blog on the down-low until they get to know me really well is a great idea.
And, I haven’t quite given up on the Bookstore Method, either. Though, I think I need to change stores and days, and, possibly, times, too. We’ll see. Right now, I’m just playing it by ear. But, I promise, ladies, I won’t hit on any more of you who come to the blog. Honest. Really, you can trust me on this. I wouldn’t lie about something so important as that. Of course, if one of you hit on me…

Look, kids, it’s been a brutal week for your Uncle Jim, so we need us some fun.
I won’t go into the gorey details, but it seems like anything that didn’t go wrong in my life this week either went wrong in someone else’s life I know or is about to go wrong, so it’s just been a long, damn week. But, today is Friday. The weekend is almost here and you can start your fun early with some of these links.
I dipped into my collection of weird links, and boy have got some doosies, to bring you a little Friday Fun.
First, there’s an old favorite, Spamusement. This guy draws very funny cartoons based on spam that we’ve all gotten one time or another. It’s silly, goofy and always makes me chuckle.
Then, there’s this wild casemod by, well, by someone in Japan, I guess since the entire page is in Japanese. It’s a PC sphere and looks cool. I think there’s instructions for making it, or buying it, somewhere on this page. Good luck figuring out which and where!
Next, we have something to make the sinners repent: The Bible Prophecy Page! Yes, now you, too, can bring the rantings of Bible Prophecy fringe groups to the conveniece of your own home via the Internet. What will they think of next!?!
And, for those of you who are homeless wanderers, or just on vactaion and away from you computers, here’s the Cyber Cafe Search Engine. It’ll help you find your next Internet fix away from home. Of course, if you’re looking for a place to check e-mail because you don’t have a computer then you’ll have to find that first spot on your own…

Well, whatever, these were just four semi-random links I grabbed out of my mess o’ weird sites. What the heck, kids, it’s Friday and Uncle Jim says “Click the links!”

Okay, just to clarify last night’s post, I’m okay.
Sure, I could be better, but, really, there is no cause for alarm. I do appreciate all the concern, truly, I do, but I assure you that all is as it should be. Mind, I wouldn’t turn away anyone wanting to take care of me, as that might be nice for a change, but there’s nothing going on beyond my normal, high-stress bottoming out. Happens on a regular basis, induces cravings for bad habits, and then it passes. This time, the “keystone”, as it were, was watching French Kiss last night. A fun film, actually. A romantic comedy set in France staring Meg Ryan and Kevin Kline. Every other shot of Kline has him smoking or about to smoke. Nothing sets off my craving more than watching someone smoke in the movies. And, no, I have no idea why.
Anyway, nothing to worry about. I didn’t light up and feel better this morning. We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog browsing.

I want to smoke.
Not just a smoke, but to smoke. I want to chain smoke clove cigarettes until the hazy cloud surrounds me like an airy, armored halo. I want to light my next smoke on the red-hot cherry of the last one and burn through the pack as fast as I can breathe. I want to sit very still in the damp fog that insulates Houston tonight from the ennui of this post Valentine’s Day euphoria that everyone feels but me and smoke until I can feel the nicotine seep through my pores like the sweat on a cold Scotch. I want to feel the burn as I suck the hot fire of my favorite Indonesian cancer sticks into my lungs. I want to see the cloud thicken as I blow the sweet, dark smoke out my flared nostrils. I want to smoke like a death row inmate wants his conjugal visit. I want to feel the tingle that starts at my hairline and cascades down my scalp as the tiny capillaries push that sweet lady nicotine through my skull into my brain and make me feel alive even as it slowly kills me. I want it as bad as I imagine a junky wants his fix after three days clean listening to his cell mate chatter. I want to start smoking and just keep on until my entire body is ash. I want to skip work, skip therapy, skip eating. I just want to smoke. I want to smoke my fear and my pain and my worry away in a sugary, spicy, clove cloud. I want my entire life to be consumed through a filtered krtek so I won’t have to be bothered with people, places or things again. I don’t want to move or even think. I just want to smoke.
Yeah, I could go for a smoke.

This post brought to you by the song “Lady Nicotine” on A Little Gun Shy, by Brian Douglas and French Kiss staring Meg Ryan and Kevin Kline.

“We can rebuild him…”
Okay, so a couple of weeks ago, I totally ruined several of my favorite shirts with an accidental, but shockingly liberal, splash of bleach. Now, I have several trippy, neo-tiedie shirts that are no longer okay to wear to work. So, I’m going to have to get more. And, that got me thinking…
At least one of my sisters has always implied that I don’t know how to dress and, frankly, I often feel tragically unhip or out of step with good fashion sense. I mean, I am a professional geek, after all. But, I want to dress nicer. More attractively. And, since I have such a large female readership these days, I thought I’d give you all the opportunity to remake me. Dress me the way you think I should be dressed. Make me look the way you think I would look best. Clothe me from the skin out. Start me fresh.

But, first, a few caveats:
1. I will not wear silk underwear. Or thongs. Or “tighty whities”. Or… Okay, look, I’m a basic, cotton boxers sort of guy. Let’s just start there, okay? So, maybe not from the skin out, but at least, from the skivvies out. Okay?
2. I am “poor folk”. If you suggest designers, please suggest low-cost alternatives. Or, understand that I won’t be able to go all out on that particular suggestion. In short, let’s try not to bankrupt the Network Geek, okay?
3. I’m a pretty casual guy, even for work.
4. Yes, you can rebuild my work wardrobe, too, but, remember casual is the key. Though, dressing a little better there, too, wouldn’t hurt.
5. All my footwear is black. ALL of it. UPDATE: Okay, not quite all, but all my work/date footwear is black.
6. Extra weight will be given to the opinions of single women. Especially single women who know and/or might date me. No offense guys, but, hey, I have goals and priorities, too.
7. Let’s start with the non-work wardrobe and give that the most emphasis. My goal here is to be more dateable and less alone. If I find a steady girl, she’ll be dressing me from then on out, but until then, I admit it, I need all the help I can get.
8. I will not make fun of or overly critisize any choices made, but I may attempt to steer things away from things I know I will not ever wear.
9. I’m serious about this, so, please, be serious, too. Really. I know you ladies can make me look better than I do now and I sincerely want to look better.

I’m working out to try and lose some weight and build more muscle, so, make me your living, breathing Ken doll and have fun. Keep it clean. Also, if you’d like to keep your suggestions private for whatever reason, feel free to e-mail me.
Here’s what you have to work with:

(And, special thanks to Doc, my roommate, for taking these pictures this weekend for me.)

Updated Pic