Diary of a Network Geek

The top eleven Geek Pickup lines, as stolen from BBSpot, for your Friday afternoon funny:

Geek Pick-up Lines
11. Tell me of this thing you humans call *dramatic pause* love.
10. If you turn me down now, I will become more drunk than you can possibly imagine.
9. They don’t call me Bones because I’m a doctor.
8. Your name is Leslie? Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!
7. What’s a nice girl like you doing in a wretched hive of scum and villany like this?
6. You must be Windows 95 because you gots me so unstable.
5. My ‘up-time’ is better than BSD.
4. I can tell by your emoticons that you’re looking for some company.
3. Is that an iPod mini in your pocket or are you just happy to see me.
2. Want to see my Red Hat?
1. If you won’t let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can hear the moans and groans from here. Hey, have a few more drinks and they’ll start to get funny. At least, that’s my working theory.

Here’s something I don’t miss.
Some time back, I wrote a post about what I miss most about not being in a relationship. But, that’s a ways behind me now and I’m finally looking at dating again. Making it through an evening without mentioning my ex-wife was a kind of watershed moment in that regard. I figured that no one would want to suffer through a date with me while I whined about my ex. But, as I get warmed up here, I started thinking about this post that Jill, from Jill Writes, did the other day. It stirred something in me, that clever post. (No, this is a family show, folks. That is not what it stirred!) But, it wasn’t until today that it occurred to me what it was that I didn’t miss about dating.
The Game.

Should I call or shouldn’t I? Did she look at me because my fly is open or because, as Doc says, I have “bedroom eyes”? Am I in her league? Is she in mine? What the devil is she thinking? What the heck was I thinking when I put this shirt on today, knowing that I’d see her? Wait, what did that eye contact mean? Was that a shy, little smile meant to draw me in? Or is my fly really open? Should I pretend to be cool? Or should I let her know that I’m into her? If I’m direct and forthright, will that scare her off? It has before, but will it this time? If I can get her phone number from the web, should I call? Or would that freak her out? If I ask her out via e-mail will she blow it off because it’s e-mail? Is that enough reason to call instead? I mean, I don’t want her to think I’m a stalker, but it would be easy enough for me to get her phone number from the web. It is, after all, part of what I do for a freakin’ living. I mean, look at the blog name, right? God, will you give me a sign about this please? No, I mean a bigger sign than that flashing one with the “Accident Ahead” message in lights. Is she trying to tell me something when she e-mails, but won’t call me? What the hell is she thinking?

Yeah, that little stream of consciousness ran through my head earlier this week.
So, here’s the thing. I hate playing this game, but what can I do? Is there a woman alive who believes that I’m really not looking to get her into bed? Honestly, that’s not my agenda. But, I guess it’s hard to believe that a guy like me is actually interested in who a woman is, what she thinks and how she feels. And, that really is all I’m looking for right now. Oh, sex would be nice, don’t get me wrong, but, honestly, it would be better to get to know someone first. You know, for a change, as opposed to how I met my ex-wife. Is that really such a hard thing to believe? Maybe it is.
Ladies, if a guy were to walk up to you on the street and ask to buy you a cup of coffee, and you found him reasonably attractive, would you bite? Er, I mean, would you say yes? Under what circumstances? What is the “safe” way for a guy to approach a woman he’s just met and ask her out?
God, I hate being clueless about this stuff! I hate the Game, but, worse, I hate not knowing the Rules. Anyone care to enlighten me?

“When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.”
–Ernest Hemingway

Or, as my mother used to tell me, “Interested people are interesting people.” I’ve been thinking about that lately, since I hope to be more social this year. And, since rumor has it that “social” activities involve actual people and could lead to actual dates where I’m only half of a conversation, instead of one sixteenth, this has been of great concern to me. I’ve never been good at small talk, but, as I hope some of my fellow bloggers are aware by now, I do ask fairly good questions. And, of course, I listen to the answers, well, too. That’s sort of hard to see on the Internet, of course, but, still, it is something that I work at improving constantly.
I genuinely like people, most people, in fact. I think even the most annoying person can have an interesting story to tell. How did they get that scar? What’s up with that crazy tattoo? Why do they hide from deep relationships? All these things can lead to a surprising story with open-ended possibilities. But, I have to ask the right questions. And listen.
The older I get the more I try to listen. More than that, though, I try to listen actively. Ask questions that keep the story flowing. Ask the questions that bring out new insights. If I’m lucky, sometimes, I can ask a question that brings out details and truths that no one else has heard before. I live for those moments. That kind of intimacy is what makes relationships, of all kinds.
Sometimes, though, I have to remember to listen with my heart, not my ears. Sometimes people need to feel that people care and “hear” them. I don’t know any deeper expression of care and love than to listen deeply to someone. To hear their heart in their words. Granted, I don’t do this as often as I would like, but, the times that I have done it, I have been keenly aware of the effects. Effects that run both ways. I’ve developed some of my best and deepest friendships this way. I only wish I’d understood this sooner.
Now, as most of my readers know, I rarely get this philosophical without a subtext. Today is no different. I’m going to be placing a phone call today to someone I don’t know. To someone I hope to know better. Someone interesting and beautiful and, frankly, terrifying. I don’t know where the conversation might lead or what I might either learn or reveal and that’s a little scary. Of course, that’s also why I’ll be doing it. When I get scared like that, it’s because I’m stepping outside my comfort zone. In this case, quite far outside my comfort zone. And, as always, that means growth. Frightening, painful, but, oh, so necessary growth. It’s been a long time since I put myself out there like this. Opening myself to that kind of personal intimacy, at least with a member of the opposite sex.
I hope I remember how. How to listen.

A funny thing happened in the drug store.
So, I made a run to Walgreens today, to get some stuff I forgot last night. Mousse and Carmex and, since I saw it, a digital scale with that body-fat calculator thing built in. If I’m going to make all my New Year’s resolutions happen, I’m going to need that. Anyway, one of the quirky things I do is walk through the magazine aisle and check to see what the average Gulf Coast Walgreens customer is reading these days. I especially like looking at the “Best Seller” rack to see what trashy paperbacks are popular with what I think of as the “least common denominator” of the reading community. Freakishly, what I found today was Gone With the Nerd. This is not a joke. This is an actual book that actually sells somewhere to someone. What’s more, it’s part of a series. Yeah, your eyes are not playing tricks on you, there is a series of books about nerd romance. In fact, go to the link above and read the reviews. Pay special attention to the one that’s titled “Nerd Served Hot & Spicy”.
So, what? Is the “nerd” the new, hot romantic hero? If so, how is it that I’ve missed this startling phenomena? As a Geek, do I qualify? Is there a form to fill out somewhere? A waiver to sign? In short, what’s a guy gotta’ do to capitalize on this exciting new trend?

Okay, all joking aside, this struck me as both funny and, well, okay, pretty much it was just funny to me. I was called a nerd most of my school life. At the time, it was kind of hard to take, but, after a while, I just stopped caring. Oh, sure, I still have those moments when I question who and what I am. Whether or not I’m “man” enough. What’s missing from my life, or what I should be doing to fulfill my “role” as a male in society. Well, here’s the thing, I’ve done it and continue to do it. Every day I go into the office and work a job I don’t get too excited about anymore because it pays the bills, I show that I’m man “enough”. Every time I hold a door for a woman I don’t know and will never know, I’m being a grown-up man. Every time I try to explain to my nephews to always treat girls nice, no matter how they treat you, I’m showing the world that I’m the kind of man I want to be.
I stopped going to strip clubs just before I met my ex-wife, not because I’d met someone I didn’t want to embarass, but because of that poor girl who was looking to me for validation after dancing for me. All she wanted wast to be loved, to feel appreciated, and all I did was tip her. Pretty low, isn’t it? Yeah, that’s what I thought, too. So, this geek, this nerd, stopped going because I didn’t want to see a woman who wanted that kind of validation. What’s more, I didn’t want to be the kind of guy who had to go to those places to get validation for cash myself. Better to be alone and know that I was living my life the right way and be able to look myself in the mirror than that. I’m still working on looking myself in the mirror and believing that I’m good enough, but, at least I’m closer than I was.
Yeah, I’m a geek or a nerd or whatever you want to label me. But, I’m more than that, too. Maybe I could be doing better financially than I am. Maybe my job could be more interesting or exciting. Maybe I could be driving a bigger, better car or have a bigger, fancier house. Maybe my clothes aren’t lined with designer labels or aren’t imported from Italy or where ever is fashionable this season. Sure, there are others who are doing that stuff better than I do. But, I’m fairly literate. I’m loyal to a fault. I’m fairly healthy and working on being healthier. I’m rebuilding my spiritual life. I take good care of my dog and try to help my friends any way I can. And, I care. I care about people. People I know and people I don’t. I don’t know what I am, exactlly, but I’m working on making myself better everyday. And, whatever that is, it’s good enough for me.

Oh, God, this is a new low.
So, the other day, I’m joking with a friend about obsessively checking my webstats for certain pieces of information. He sort of laughs at me in e-mail and questions why I haven’t done a PERL script to automate it. And, I did actually think about it. The problem would be, as I explained to him, that I’d have to run the PERL script as a daemon, or process. Or, as a CRON job that repeated every fifteen minutes or so. Otherwise, I wouldn’t get the kind of notification that would make writing a script worthwhile. The only problem is, even my super relaxed webhost, Amzia.net, would eventually have issues with that kind of utilization.
In any case, I scouted around for some PERL code anyway, even though I’d probably never be able to actually use them. Then, one morning this past week, it occurred to me that I had PHP code that I could modify to produce the same results. So, I copied my chunk of code, tested it and put it out there, live. Worked like a charm. I got live results and e-mailed them to my friend and we had a good laugh that I’d gone and written code, that worked quite well, for a very personal, inside joke, that no one but he and I would see, or get. But, no, that’s not the new low.
Later, on the same day I made it live, I was sitting outside enjoying one of my last remaining clove cigarettes and caught myself refining the code in my head. Yep, I’m sitting there, petting the dog, smoking and tightening code in my head. I even started to add functionality as I crunched the code, too!

Oh, God, I am such a geek. I don’t even think another tattoo would help at this point. Oh, well, at least it pays the bills.

Here’s a weekend recap for those who’re paying attention.
Actually, I guess it’s a bit more than that, but, well, most of it happened this weekend. So, Paddy Thai closed on Friday. I was there for one last meal. I actually made it in twice in the past two weeks, but Friday night was the most significant visit. You see, this was the first restaurant I ate in when I first started coming to Houston, almost eleven years ago. My now ex-wife took me in there on my first visit. We sat in one corner and watched a gecko hunt by candle light on the far wall. We were the only people there. It was tre romantic. It became our place. We celebrated anniversaries there and birthdays. Sometimes it was where we went to make up or sooth some of the pain of the world. At least once we used it as a bit of a misplaced bribe. And, mostly, it was about happy memories. Happy memories that were tainted by how our relationship ended. So, I went back a couple times, not to erase the old memories, but to have a few new ones that might color the old. That last night it felt rather like selecting a last meal.
The people who own the building are going to pave it to make more parking for the restaurants on either side.

At the party Saturday night, my beer bread was quite a hit. In spite of, or perhaps because of, the fact that I was there mainly for my testosterone, I had fun. I knew a few of the people there, obviously, but not all. Sadly, the two red-headed ladies I met were both leaving the state this week. In fact the artificial red-head was leaving the country. Usually, it takes a much longer acquaintance with me to drive someone from the state. Still, I had a good time and was “on”. I dressed conservatively, in jeans and a soft, dark, button-down shirt. I was comfortable, which was my only real goal. Most importantly, to me, I didn’t mention my ex-wife all night long. Though, I did mention having been married. I believe in truth in advertising, after all.
Of course, I had visions of collecting phone numbers and dates, but that was not to be. Still, I was funny. The other day, Doc told me that I should think about lasik surgery to get my glasses out of the way. When I asked why, he told me it was because I had eyes that could make some women melt. Luckily, I am firmly confident in my heterosexuality or I might have gotten a little nervous. So, I did my best to make good, nice eye contact. No attempts at smoldering looks or anything so dangerous as that. I’m afraid that I’ve slipped past that magic age where such things are sexy, at least coming from me. Still, the hostess, who’s dating a friend of mine, made a point to mention to him that she thought I was funny. I must have been really on target Saturday.
At first, I was dissapointed that I was funny, instead of sexy. But, then I thought about what it is I want from life and a relationship and it occurred to me that funny is better. Sexy fades with time and age, but funny can last forever. And, after how grim my marriage got, especially at the end, I’d rather be able to make my partner laugh. What’s better than the gift of laughter? The world can be a dark, cold, nasty place and I’d rather leave laughter in my wake than a string of broken hearts. I’d rather be able to make my next wife laugh and fill her life with joy and laughter.
Yep, all things considered, I’d rather be funny.

Advice from your Uncle Jim:
"Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently."
   --Henry Ford

A day for different stuff.
I have not indulged my obsession with science-fiction and fantasy here. Well, not much. Lately. Regardless, there were two headlines that caught my attention this morning from the SciFi Channel website.
First, J. K. Rowling will be starting the final installment of her Harry Potter series in January. There’s no completion date or publication date mentioned, but they’d better hurry or the three actors who play the leads in the movies will be too old! Daniel Radcliffe’s voice has already started to change, for pity’s sake! And, don’t even get me started on Emma Watson. (Did you know there are wackos out there who have a countdown until she turns eighteen? Oh, I’m so glad I’m not her father.)
The second headline that caught me was about a show that hasn’t aired yet, called The Book of Daniel. It’s about an Episcopal priest that has a drug problem, who’s married to an alchoholic, and has conversations with Christ wherein he apparently sees Jesus and hears His response. Okay, I get why this is a headline and all, but, uh, on the SciFi Channel website? Anyway, after reading the article, I may have to look out for the show when it hits TV next month. Sounds like my kind of show.
So, there you have it. These are the things I think about first thing in the morning and queue to post late in the afternoon.

Yeah, so I took this goofy quiz and it said that…
Well, here:
Your results:
You are Spider-Man

Spider-Man 95% Iron Man 65% Catwoman 65% The Flash 60% Green Lantern 60% Superman 60% Hulk 50% Robin 45% Supergirl 45% Batman 40% Wonder Woman 20%

You are intelligent, witty, a bit geeky and have great power and responsibility.

Click here to take the “Which Superhero are you?” quiz…

Nice to know that boozy Tony Stark (aka Iron Man) came in number two since he’s a millionaire. Cool. (Though the fact that he tied with Catwoman does detract from the warm fuzzy feeling.) Though, if Doctor Strange were an option, I’m sure I’d have tested out as him. And, yes, this is a much better topic than what was running through my head this evening when I got home from getting groceries. I wonder if Doctor Strange has to worry about groceries….

“Say, kids, what time is it?”
Well, the server at my webhost isn’t too sure what time it is, actually. I was going through my stats this morning, to check up on you sneaky holiday visitors, and saw that someone had visited in the future. Allowing that, unless I had either overslept by twelve hours and we were having a solar eclipse or the laws of time and space had changed when I wasn’t looking, such an event shouldn’t happen, I checked my server time. Sure enough, it was twelve hours fast. Last week it was more than twelve hours slow, which caused a post to roll back, with all the comments on said post. But, that got fixed. So, this morning, I sent in a ticket. I’m sure it will get fixed eventually, but, until then, I’ll be living a little bit into the future. Now, if that only helped me get the groceries home faster or my bills paid on time….
(Oh, and the title of this post is also one of my favorite, super-sensitive-modern-guy, romantic-like movies, Somewhere in Time. Gotta’ love that Jane Seymour!)

No, not another silly game.
I’ve been reading a lot of blogs lately. Okay, probably too many and in too much detail, but, still, I’ve seen a pattern emerge. Folks are sure depressed this time of year. Mostly, I’m not, though. Sure, I’ve got mounds of debt, no hope for promotion or salary increase in my current job, I’m single and a little lonely, I miss my step-daughter who won’t talk to me because of lies told to her by her mother, I just had a roommate move in after swearing never to do that again after college, I’d like to lose a couple pounds and I can’t afford to go see my family at Christmas. But, it’s still okay. My life is in a state of change, as is everyone’s. Right now, the universe is roughing off a part of my life that, well, isn’t working well. Not sure what part that is, yet, but that’s what’s been going on for the past year.
So, I’m happy. Why? Well, let’s count the blessings, eh? I have a job that lets me pay my bills. I have my house and my dog. My dog still loves me. I have a good roommate and the extra rent doesn’t hurt. I have no major maladies, physical, mental or emotional. I have family who, despite the stupid things I’ve done and said over the years, still loves me very much. And, frankly, as crazy as it is this year and as dark as things seem sometimes, my life is still better than it was last year at this time.
Hey, there are homeless people out there who would love to have a warm place to sleep. There are guys in jail who would love to have a family to come home to when they get out. There are lots of people who can’t pay their bills at all. So, what do I have to kick about?

Right. So, how do I maintain that? Find someone to help. Simple, isn’t it? Find someone who’s worse off than you, and, yes, there’s always someone, and then help them. Doesn’t have to be big. Doesn’t even have to involve money. Just a little time spent listening can help. Or a hug to someone who needs it. Maybe a few words of encouragement that gets someone over that unbearable hump. We can all make a difference, one little smile at a time.
So, your Christmas Season Advice from your Uncle Jim? You only pass this way once, but you can leave a memory that lasts a lifetime. What kind of memory do you want to leave people? I suggest a smiling face and a kind word. Folks seem to remember that longer than the other.

If anyone needs me for anything, just leave a comment. If you want to keep it private, start the comment PRIVATE! and I’ll make sure it doesn’t post to the blog.

Advice from your Uncle Jim:
"It is not the going out of port, but the coming in that determines the success of a voyage."
   --Henry Ward Beecher